Jingle my Balls

Filed in National by on December 10, 2018

Hey, you, Yes, you, Come over here. It’s almost time to jingle my balls

Whwhhhhhat did you just say?

It sounded to me like you said to jingle your balls?

I did. I said, ‘It’s almost time to jingle my balls.’ Or I can grab you by your mistletoe. Your call. By the way Is that cinnamon I smell with a whiff of spruce? I see Santa brought you that underwear I sniffed out.

“Did you just say sniffed out?”

I did why? Are you offended by that? I can pay to sleep with you if that’s what were talking about. Skip all this dirty talk and fake outrage. Quite honestly, I have a few fetishes that I am willing to pay extra for. Sign here, admit that it never happened, and we can get on with it. You know damn well that all my money is a turn on. Stop the outrage.

You see these lines usually come off sounding disgusting to most of you. To be honest, as I reread them, I can see how you would think that these lines could be off putting and offensive. Unless the chick is hot. Now it’s hot. Porn hot. But that’s the difference between you and me. One of the differences. The other difference is about 10, well no, 11 zeros. And that makes anything I say or do completely appropriate and what others deem inappropriate I can handle by paying them off. Then I still win. Your collective lives are ruined, and I march on. Ho fuckin ho.

I’m a multi billionaire on paper. I’ve learnt how to fuck the system. I just made $50,000 this hour. It’s going to take you 9 months. God you’re a loser Lloyd. I suggest you keep your wife away from me or I’ll learn how to fuck her too. Unless she’s a pig. Which if we’re being honest, your reading this on a blog during the middle of the day avoiding your pathetic job that pays you next to nothing. She’s a pig. And you’re no prize wither. I mean look at you, reading this at 2 in the afternoon, on a blog that has shed more self-important writers over the past year than a fat chick on nutri system. Really, you idiots fought over Hillary. God that makes me giggle. I’m a descendant of a famous judge. LOL. I live in the city and am a real democrat. Pathetic.

Listen, or don’t listen, because what I’m going to tell you won’t matter to me one way or the other. Just know, that I know, you are worthless. You for sure as shit are powerless which makes you worthless. And my god, my god, you are so pathetic and such a heaping pile of shit trying to scrape by your pathetic life while in the most powerful seat in the world watching TV during business hours. I’m the president of the united states watching television at 9am on a Tuesday. Seriously, I’m sit here watching tv, I’m not even typing this. I’m running the country, watching TV, and will capitalize on everything you do. I am literally taking pennies from every dollar you own or will own. I. Own. You. And I don’t even lift a finger. I’d be angry too if I was loser like you.

I’m fucking you over so hard right now it’s practically criminal. Shit, really. Criminal. Like I’m a criminal. And you are all powerless. I win. I have won. This is what power feels like. My god I just realized that. Now I have to shudder at the thought I just had a moment of reflection. Fuck you. I’ve gotten away with it this long and none of you worthless shits are going to take it away from me, or from my children who I have brought into this con. God, I’m going to give them everything in my will. Almost, nearly all of it. I might add nearly all of it thanks to recent tax cuts I myself signed into law. Seriously, you can’t make this shit up. And 85% of my party is going to vote for me again in 2020. It’s hysterical. I knew it was easy, but god damn it really is criminal. It’s so criminal no one even thought what I’m doing could be possible from this office. They didn’t think this shit up. HO FUCKING HO. I’m going to be written into American History forever.

So, listen back to what started this. Your tremendously cinnamon smelling mistletoe. My balls. My god you’re hot aren’t you. Come here you slut. You want to see what I got hidden in this forest? You want to sit on my toad stool? That’s right. You know damn well you want to pull my fungi out with your teeth. Come over here bitch, see how this thing grows in the dark and likes to be packed in shit.

Oh what, you don’t like the dirty talk? Did I offend you? Oh Please, I could buy you. You’re only offended until I wave a check in front of you. In fact, I think I will. How much any way? $50,000. Ok, Ok, $100,000. It’ll be the best thing that ever happens to you. Trust me. You see I make stars out of people. I’m fucking Barnum Bailey and you can’t deny it. I’m a tsunami caused by an 9.2 earthquake. A slow moving, powerful wave of destruction that is going to wipe out everything in its path. I am ruthless, remorseless wave of capitalistic destruction. I’m going to keep coming, and coming, and coming. You are powerless. Don’t forget it. Yes, I meant coming in every horribly disgusting way and you can’t stop the imagery.

You thought life with Bush was hell? You have no clue. I have fought tooth and nail to this position. I’m not rolling over. Your wife is. Who I just paid to fuck. Yes, my hands are down her pants. You are powerless over what I can and will do to you. I have thousands, No millions, No tens of millions of followers that support me. THEY LOVE ME. They. Don’t. Care. WHAT. I. SAY. OR. DO. FUCK. YOU.

Let’s stop pretending that you have rights. That what you say matters. That what you think you can do by stringing together coherent sentences and words all spelled correctly in some crafty manner will changed the denizens into dethroaning me. I can misspell words, I JUST DID. people will listen to my message grammatically incorrect or not. They think they are so smart that they can see my message through my errors. They love my lies. They KNOW they are lies and they still love to hear them. They think I am fucking over the man that fucked them over. They don’t know that I am the man. Jingle my balls you losers. All of you. And, while you’re at it take that cinnamon stick and put it in your naughty spot.

Look, I don’t actually get down in the dirt, I pay people to role around in the mud and bark like dogs. Guess what, they do. And they sign and NDA that says they didn’t bark like dogs and then when I say they did, their NDA still protects me. I am brilliant. I speak my peoples language. Yes. Yes I know it’s a fifth grade language. Isn’t that brilliant?

Guess what fucktards, grammatically incorrect and misspelled worfds am the language of the people. I’ve figured it out. You just read that sentence and know what I was trying to say. Well guess what, I have 50,000,000 people that read what I say and love it. They love me even when I fuck them over. THEY. LOVE. ME. I can make them hate you. I have made them hate you. Jesus would be proud.

How that must feel for you. Who wouldn’t be envious of my power, my fame, the fact that I fuck whores, porn stars, and models. Just look at me or, don’t look at me. I don’t care. You are consumed with me regardless. People won’t admit they want to be me. But you do. Oh, I know you do. I don’t care what you say.

I am the embodiment of the American dream. A poor schlep that made it on his own. A guy that beat the system. Beat the jews. Beat the media. Beat the wealthy elite. I Beat the Ivy leaguers of this world. I beat the luminati. I beat them all. High school drop outs by the millions helped me do it. Sunday service worshippers. Even some blacks and chicanos. They all think that they are fucking over the man by using me as the man to fuck you over, and did I mention porn stars.

You can’t make this up. My god, It’s the best con I could have ran, and I didn’t even believe that I could get away with it. See, I am humble. You! Hey you, come over here and nog my eggs. I got a little excited thinking about how humble I am. Jesus that made me horny. It’s hard to dictate with a hand down your pants. Or is that actually dictating? (Yes I want that in there. Yes, that too.)

Guess what I know that you don’t know I know? You think I don’t know I’m an Ivy leaguer that had everything in my life handed to me? I know I did. But see, without this penis, (yes I’m pointing to my own penis, I’m having this dictated, so I can point and she can type. Yes it’s a she, yes type that too) several women wouldn’t be here today, rich, famous, even mother to my children if it wasn’t for this huge maitake. (pointing again)

I’m a gift. I’m a working mans dream. Look at me. Yeah, I know I already said that, but you read it anyway.

I can’t even stay on track with this post. It doesn’t even matter, 90% of you have stopped reading this b/c it has more than 75 words. Seriously though, this read is better than any song of the day post. You better stop reading those Axios stories shitheads. It’s making you think you know what is going on in the world. What fucking idiot believes that they are getting the true picture of the world in a few hundred characters? Oh and serious question here, how do you keep an idiot in suspense?

All this, all of me, all of what I’ve done, it’s a better recipe to get laid than….well, fuck it, who cares what analogy I was going to make. I can’t think of one, because I’ve got pussy on my mind and I really can’t get it off my mind. That jingle balls thing was really hard to analogize so I kind of pivoted away from it.

At this point the only thing keeping me from ending this post is the fact that I got such a rise from mocking the harpies that left this blog, roasting you the readers, and mocking high school dropouts that if I stand up the rock hard shitake I have will burst thru my worsted wool.

LOL, Who am I kidding, I’ll just pull a less Moonvess and call in the fluffer I have in an office right outside my office to take care of this ule log.

Ivanna! Get in here, I have a project for you to handle ASAP! (no, don’t put that in there)

Ed Note: This has been a guest post by Donviti. I haven’t read it yet.

About the Author ()

Jason330 is a deep cover double agent working for the GOP. Don't tell anybody.

Comments (6)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. delacrat says:

    But he did keep that witch out of the White House.

  2. RE Vanella says:

    Quality Editor’s note. Best on yet.

  3. ben says:

    This post is like a pizza cutter. All edge, no point. Not to say it isnt funny, in a Ben Shaprio writing for the Onion sort of way. Too bad the harpies never showed up to validate you.

  4. Donviti says:

    I’ve done better. I admit it. Stay tuned for a really great post.

  5. mouse says:

    Damn, I’ll never make it to being a writer.