Thank You For Your Service
Don’t thank me for my service, go fuck yourself.
I want that to be my new response and the one that everyone else uses. This weekend when I go to get my free haircut and that cute little 22-year-old that never does my eye brows is finishing up, I want her to be caught off guard. “Thank you for your service, sir”. “Don’t thank me for my service, go fuck yourself” Oh man the look on her face. That’s what you get for not cutting back these caterpillars. Get a real job kiddo. Sorry, not sorry.
Yer god damn right I’m going to Texas Roadhouse and getting my 6 oz free filet. No, I’m not leaving a tip. I’m a veteran. I served. It’s my right. As the waitress swings by right before I leave to give her thanks, yes it will be a female, I’ll kindly reply while looking her in the eye, as I was trained to do, “Don’t thank me, go fuck yourself” Maybe she’ll think I have PTSD. Hell, she’ll probably be happy I didn’t walk in and shoot the place up with my freshly purchased AR-15 equipped with a bump stock that people like that fuckstick Gregg Lavelle couldn’t find the balls to ban. BTW, you’re a pussy Gregg. Yes, I spelled your name wrong on purpose. And no, I won’t thank you for your service. Good riddance. You blocked constituents off of your facebook page. You deserve to lose coward. You live in N. Wilmington in a fucking bubble and you as an elected official can’t take a few critical words from social media? You aren’t fit to serve. Don’t thank me, go fuck yourself. America. Fuck yeah.
But I digress
Man do I ever recoil when people say to me, “Thank you for your service” I don’t know what else to say, so saying, “Don’t thank me, go fuck yourself” seems like what I’m going to stick with going forward. It seems appropriate. Admit it, you like it.
But why is that the natural response anymore? When did this nonsense start? It wasn’t until what, 5 years ago? It had to be from that fucking fraud of a media outlet. It’s definitely conservative in nature. God knows a liberal, antifa, pole smoker wouldn’t thank a veteran. Am I right, Frank? (Air high fiving you right now brother!)
I don’t finish washing the dishes at home and my kids proudly, warmly, sincerely thank me for scrubbing the melted shredded cheddar off their plate? You know how freaking hard it is to clean dried, melted Costco cheddar which has oozed out of a decrusted grilled cheese sammy? No, fuck you, you little shit, go get your own damn water from your red sippy cup that has to have 3 cubes of ice in it.
After a sweaty night of coitus, I don’t roll off, huffing and puffing, after what probably felt like an eternity to her and say, “hey thanks for your service” Though I should. Maybe spot her a finsky for the effort next time? I’ll report back after Christmas. That’s the next scheduled event.
You see, your America, the one you live in that makes you believe if I tell you I served my country you need to thank me, that’s not my America. In fact, it’s not fucking American at all. It’s some coopted bullshit that is akin to the fake fucking war on Christmas. It’s some conservative media concocted jingoistic nonsense meant to divide us. To give you a sense of pride. A sense of nationalism. A sense that because you say it, it means you care; thus, you are a patriot and love America.
It’s like this fucking nonsense that came out of nowhere right before the election. Remember the caravan of big strong men coming to rape your wife? Which, let’s be honest, 90% of you reading this right now have wives that are fat, lumpy, celluloid ridden piles of shit that a Guatemalan travelling 1,000 miles on foot wouldn’t be able to harden his tamale for even if it meant Trump granted him asylum.
Get real man, don’t thank me for my service. You aren’t any more of a real American than I am b/c I where sea green chino’s from vineyard vines and you where Dickies.
Ok so we’ve established this, go fuck yourself. You don’t care about my service. You don’t care about this country. You don’t care about doing shit to save our democracy. You think thanking a veteran for his service is some sort of patriotic response. That’s what this is boiling down to. Do you feel like you did something for your country when you say it? Like you carried that rifle in boot camp? Did you get a mental picture of the boot camp stuff in Full Metal Jacket? In your head while thanking me, You were double timing it on a 12-mile hike with your jungle boots on, and had to duck and cover while the drill sergeant was hurling invectives at you. Hooroah, DRILL SERGEANT!!!
No? That’s not it? Well, why do you say it? Really? Why didn’t you say it like 10 years ago to me? Where was my god damn free Lube Job then? Huh? I know god damn well you didn’t thank anyone 15 years ago. Why didn’t you say it to me like 20 years ago? Why do you thank someone for their service now? What’s the god damn point? Do you have a clue? Any?
Let me answer that for you. No. You’re a pathetic excuse for a free-thinking American that can’t see how manipulated you are.
Do you realize that only like 15 years ago we started an illegal war? It’s not a big deal any more I know. Waterboard under the bridge, right. We went into war with the “Army we have”. IEDs blew up Humvees that had no doors filled with 19 y/o kids that didn’t have body armor. NBFD. We went into an illegal war unprepared, had our children murdered, and gave the people in charge a pass. Do you know that the country where the bombers of 9/11 were from is Saudi Arabia and we, Obamba too, sold weapons to those pieces of shit? We did nothing to the actual people responsible. Meh, oh well.
So again, don’t thank me for my service, go fuck yourself. As long as it’s not you serving, sure it’s easy to say thanks isn’t it? Thanks Betsy. It means a lot. Now ring up my fucking Fruit of the Looms, America’s choice jalapeno flavored salt and vinegar kettle style chips, and don’t put that single use American flag in the same bag as that discounted 10lb bag of chicken wings. Did I tell you I’m putting that flag up Sunday morning? One day a year, old glory shines bitches!
Hey, you reading this, what sacrifice did you make? Ohhhhh you’re a real American aren’t you, you thank people for their service. Oh I know, I don’t live in your real America do I. I don’t know the struggles you have. The one that has me battling the traffic of Main St. Middletown. Oh, honey look at the bunting on that house. This is our America isn’t it. Kids! Take a picture and put it on your Instagram. I’m gonna send this one to mom. She’ll be so proud. Your America right, the one I assume is in Bear Delaware or somewhere in Kent or Sussex county? The one that has a cousin in Rockford and can’t quit oxy. Oh your America in Felton? That makes your America a whopping 30 minutes’ drive from 10,000,000 million people. So, In case you didn’t know you live in the in the greater Philadelphia market. Or DC, or Baltimore.
Your America is my America you moron. You just choose to believe your world is different than mine. One thing we both can agree on though is the America those LARP kids live in, well that aint our America. I mean What. The. Fuck? Cab Calloway kids man. Sheesh.
Hey Bill? Do you still have a yellow magnet on your car? NO? Why the hell not? Hey, I want you to lean in closer, and read this, DID YOU KNOW WE ARE STILL AT FUCKING WAR? Thanks for hanging in there for a few years until the yellow faded or the lease expired on that king cab F150.
I will be honest though, I don’t see them for sale at the Dollar General anymore. I guess you can get a pass for your waning patriotism. Next time you swing by and have to buy those mylar balloons for Austin’s birthday, make sure to hit up the cashier and tell her (yes her) that you want to speak to her manager. When he comes out of the back room exasperated, glasses askew, combover no longer combed over, green button-down shirt all untucked and hanging awry over his black belt, find out why there aren’t any yellow ribbon magnets for sale no more.
And……by now you know I’m a veteran, and I tell people I am. Yet I hate hearing people thank me for my service. Hey guess what, go fuck yourself. It’s my right, I’m a veteran. My guess is 90 percent of the 10 readers (1) that visit this site aren’t veterans. Did you thank someone because you are ashamed you didn’t serve? Do you thank them because you wouldn’t ever tell your children or grandchildren to serve and you feel the least you can do is thank someone that had the balls to serve?
You see, if you are going to thank me for my service, I think it mostly means you didn’t serve. And that means you’re a pussy. Ipso Facto that means to me, you are a fraud. It screams to me that you know deep down you don’t, and won’t ever have the stones to serve your country. You won’t tell your own children or grandchildren to serve the country because they could die. They could be sent to war. Serving in the military is for other people that don’t have the opportunities your kids do. My god, imagine little Tucker sent to fight an illegal war and die. Jesus how awful. Imagine little Cayliegh went into the Air Force got raped or sexually assaulted by one of her peers and never finds justice. Man, that is awful. Hey, tell your son I said, “Thank you for you service!”
“ohhh my god he died in training exercise? Sheesh, my bad” go fuck yourself.
My guess is that you don’t think much about people serving most of the year. My guess is when having those icky thoughts thrusted upon you, the shame you feel inside is lessened by throwing out what seems to be a from the heart, sincere, patriotic response.
So next time you hear someone is a veteran I want you to think long and hard, long and Ron Jeremy long and hard. I want you to search deep down, balls deep down, into that pit of your stomach now filled with anxiety and shame, shame at the thought of Ron Jeremy’s dong and shame at the thought that the reason you thank someone for their service is because you don’t want to actually process those awkward feelsies, those squirmy, leg crossing emotions you now are overwhelmed with, those feelings that are telling you that you aren’t a real american, that you aren’t a patriot, that you’re a coward. A coward that wants to think he’d run into a school being cut down with automatically rifled bullets, but never ever in a million years would actually do it.
You don’t want to have to think about the very real possibility that Travis will be murdered by an Afghanny. Murdered in a war that was started when he was still kicking a soccer ball in the wrong direction down at MOT on a cold Saturday morning which you were running late on, and didn’t have time to pick up that beloved pumpkin latte. That latte that would have kept your hands warm while you listened to other dads, festooned in Cabela camo vests yap away about their sons travel fall ball aspirations.
We know you don’t want to think that Carol Ann will be raped and beaten in a foreign country by her recently promoted NCO. We sure as shit know that you are powerless over what could happen and is way more likely to happen to your son, daughter, grandson, or granddaughter in the military, during the theater of war which we are still waging in several countries.
In closing, if any of you thank someone for their service, your penance is to go buy that magnet you never replaced.
But honestly just don’t thank me or anyone for their service. When you do though, I hope you here me in your ear saying, “Don’t thank me for my service, go fuck yourself”
[Ed Note: This has been an Veterans Day Weekend guest post from Donviti. I ran it today because everyday is veterans day now. Also…I endorse all of this exepct for the jab at DL having 10 readers. It is more like 20, Shithead.]
Am I the only other reader that’s a veteran?
This is a masterpiece.
Donviti is indeed a veteran. Navy man. Served on a submarine if my memory serves.
Nope. I’m one as well, but I’ve always been adverse to advertising my values, principles, politics, religion, and other artifacts of my personal life. I take pride in things I’ve accomplished, but public displays of that pride seems, well prideful. Besides, my accomplishments pale in comparison to all those who have accomplished so much more than I could ever hope to.
As a side note, the phrase apparently originated with the book “Thank You for Your Service”, written by the American journalist David Finkel, who wrote the non-fiction book The Good Soldiers, which chronicled the lives of the 2-16 Infantry Battalion in Baghdad during 2007 and 2008. In this sequel, Finkel examined the soldier’s lives back home in the US as they struggle to readjust to family and civilian life. I didn’t know that until looking it up.
My two observations are that it is a far better greeting than those who returned from Vietnam received, but it is really perfunctory and meaningless and no better than Gesundheit.
In the few instances that I have been thanked, I remind them that many Americans have served in many roles and organizations, especially humanitarian efforts.
I wasn’t too far off with the time frame of when this bull shit started. The book is one thing, but who promoted it and the echo chamber from which it farted from rings of conservative media
Volunteers of America
Veteran here as well. USCG from 1987-1993 (And yes, the Coast Guard counts!!).
Here’s proof — https://imgur.com/Q1uIVi4 . I’m the dude on the bottom right, pouting because I had to stay on the icebreaker while others got to go ashore for the day (Like Liz, who does a great job of rubbing it in).
Anyway, Jason, this is awesome. I can’t remember the last time I laughed out reading a blog post. Repeatedly laughed.
What’s spectacular about the piece is that you’re addressing a tough issue, while being entertaining.
As for that phrase, I also have struggled with how to feel about it, and how to answer people.
Yes, it’s an empty gesture, that does nothing to help our nation’s veterans. Probably half of the people who say it are like you wrote, “You think thanking a veteran for his service is some sort of patriotic response.”
However, I think the other half of the people are just trying be nice and just want to say something kind to someone who served their country.
But I cringe when people say it to me.
After all, when I was in the Coast Guard, so pump your patriotic brakes. For crying out loud — for three years, I was stationed at Dewey Beach. Nobody shot at me (although we got lots of dirty looks when we boarded somebody’s boat). So save that phrase for somebody who deployed into a war.
Please humor me as I share an anecdote that might help illustrate the problem.
This makes me cringe just thinking about it. My in laws like to eat at Cheddar’s in Camden, and there is a waiter there — let me back up first — My father in law wears a hat that says he earned the Purple Heart. There is a waiter there, a young man, who when he finds out that someone is a veteran, he not only says the accursed phrase, but then he stands up straight and salutes the veteran.
He salutes. Ugh.
First, his salute is terrible. Second, my father in law and I were both enlisted. Third, civilians don’t salute military.
I want to say to him, “FFS, put your hand down”.
Even though it’s painful to talk about, and even worse to witness it, the kid is just trying to show respect, or perhaps a bigger tip. Either way, I give him a pass.
As long as I’m venting — At Mission Barbecue in Dover, at exactly noon, the TVs all switch to the American flag, the national anthem comes on the speakers. I was eating there once with my son, who had just graduated Air Force boot camp. When the song came on, I was filling my soda. I looked around at everybody standing at attention, figured out what was going on, rolled my eyes and finished filling my soda. When I approached my table, my son said, “Dad! You’re supposed to stand at attention!”
Just for him, I stood at attention – kind of.
It’s another empty gesture that seems supportive of veterans, but it’s a made-up ceremony, and it helps exactly zero veterans.
Have a great weekend, everyone!
This guy gets it.
I’d say thanks for your service, but I mean really…coast guard is hardly military. I think we all know that. So cough cough, go fuck yourself
USN 92-96
We can argue about this over a beer sometime, but for now, I direct you to the Wikipedia page for the United States Armed Forces —
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Armed_Forces
Here’s the relevant sentence: “The United States Armed Forces[8] are the military forces of the United States of America. It consists of the Army, Marine Corps, Navy, Air Force, and Coast Guard.”
And YES, I agree that thing at Mission BBQ. I mean what the flying fuck man.
We should go to Mission for lunch one day. That way, we won’t be the only people not standing at attention.
Consider it a date sailor
TLDR but after the first few sentences it’s clear you’ve lost it. Not far off from painting your walls with feces, just a matter of time.
Ah, so that’s how you spend your time! I’m not surprised. Pussy.
Deep thinker, Anon. Nothing gets past this guy.
Proudly 4F and blind as a constipated bat from hell, but I can relate! Fuck your service, fuck the police and fuck Tiger Woods! Just for fun.
LOL! I recognized it as a ‘guest’ article by Mr Viti pretty quickly, because Mr 330 doesn’t write that way.
Lowe’s and Home Despot really thank veterans for their service, with a 10% discount. With my daughters in the Army, yup, we get that discount, and it’s saved us thousands of dollars in remodeling two kitchens.
Yep. DV is/was a force of nature.
And, you may not know this, but he’s also one of the greatest hosts of all time. My wife and I are huge fans.
Army, 1968 to 1970. Best post I’ve read on this website in many months. FTA.
The first and second of those particular illegal wars happened about 10 months after I retired. I lost some friends, and some pieces of other friends in them.
He’s right–anybody who’s actually served never does that “Thank you for your service” BS. And when somebody does it to me it makes me uneasy, and I realize on reading this I DO want to say, “Fuck you very much,” but I don’t because I’m usually with my family. I was thinking of substituting, “I usually thank Colin Kapernick,” or “Exactly how did you morons let the Patriot Act get passed while we were out there standing watch?” but I realize it would be pointless.
They don’t get it; they’ll only go home and watch “American Sniper” again.
I wonder if the Thousand Oaks shooter was triggered by somebody thanking him for his service.
A+ work here.
I just had this conversation with someone. I told them it has the sincerity of a response when someone sneezes.
How about… “Thanks for all the FREEDOM, BABY YEah!!”
How ’bout… “Thanks for the 24 months of 0% interest on PoS furniture Veterans Day sale.”
I think there is a wide and growing divide between military and civilian worlds and it makes me uneasy. When someone says thank you for your service, you have no idea where they’re coming from. Some people genuinely admire military service, some people are jealous, some people are reminded of the crazy ass loser in high school who enlisted after graduation because he couldn’t cut it in the real world, some people just know what they see in the movies. 40 years ago, everybody knew somebody who had served or was serving and its probably less than 50% today and dropping especially in areas away from military bases. A millennial living in a major city – probably 5%.
Feeding into this are the bullshit recruiting pitches. You probably could have made a sitcom about my pathetically naive job search when I left active duty in 1993. After all, I had the skills all employers were looking for – it said so on the recruiting commercials. Sitting across the table from a 23 yo HR staffer; Here’s my DD-214, look at my Fitness Reports where I’m ranked 1 of 6 (she’s looking at me funny). Wound up taking a job for a temp agency at $9.50 an hour no benefits. It was incredibly disillusioning. I imagine the same thing occurs today.
It’s less than 1% that will have said they have served I believe
Meanwhile, president Sack’o’Shit decided thanking a bunch of dead guys for their service wasn’t worth mussing his hair in the rain.
The anti-Trump rally tomorrow is being staged by a group called Trump Is War. Sounds about right.
Well, well,well, Donviti is back and I’ll take the bait. Have to agree with you–the whole “Thank you for your service” irritates me not unlike “Sorry for your loss”. Truly think it’s a modicum of civility though our nation has settled on.
NEVER, EVER, EVER though for one minute think we chicken hearted, over-educated, unmarginalized, removed, insulated, privileged, and spoiled exceptionalists and isolationists EVER take for granted what a soldier has gone before us to do.
Remember, America brought us “Saving Private Ryan”, “Deer Hunter”, “Bridge over River Kwai”, “Hacksaw Ridge”, “Apocalypse Now” and “McHales Navy”….why should we believe anything different?
All I can say is thank you for giving me the America I KNOW is better than any other option, and preserving that for my generation and the one behind me so far. Whether that came through your service or your suckership, even without the draft we still have one heckuva great nation. It’s maintained through a voluntary military and not a forced requirement, once again defying the odds for success.
So if you want to say “Fuck off” to someone scrambling in acknowledgement, or perceiving a perfunctory salutation—go right ahead! Heck, you were a US soldier and showed up or fought for that “free speech” thing–whereas, if you want to be a tool, outright rude, and crush someone else’s spirit in the moment–you can carry that unchecked power right here on US soil.
Ain’t America great?
Hello all DLers!!! Missed you!!!
Nicely said, Joanne. But remember, “Bridge on the River Kwai” was a joint American-British production, adapted from a French novel by Pierre Boule (same guy who wrote “Planet of the Apes”) by two blacklisted American screenwriters and starring a mostly British cast.
We are not alone in our delusions.
“Fighting for our freedom” – when was the last foreign deployment where our freedom was actually at risk?
Eh, only made it about half way because it was repetitive. You’re basically just being an asshole. It’s like the whole salute thing. You salute the rank, not the man. They are basically just thanking the idea that the service stands for. they do not know if you were in combat, or stayed stateside.
They are being polite about something they more than likely do not understand, but feel it matters. Maybe we should extend it to other areas in life. Maybe if people were more polite about race, or lgbt, we wouldn’t have as much bigotry.
Or should we follow your lead and tell them to go fuck themselves?
Phil doesn’t get it.
Right, being polite about something they don’t understand. Don’t thank me, go fuck yourself is the perfect response.
But I agree, just basically being an asshole is my thing. thanks for half way reading.
Did you at least get to my Tamale reference or the Ron Jeremy line? I thought they were pretty good.
Thank you for your service, Phil.
Treat gay black women like the troops. You know, I’m starting to see something.
I’d like to see hiring preferences and free haircuts and stuff for anti-war activists.
..or at least for teachers.
Huh ?
huh is right. No more commenting from my phone.