Conclusive Proof: Rand Paul Is a Dick

Filed in National by on June 13, 2018

Rand Paul is a dick. If there was ever any doubt, it was dispelled by sentencing documents stemming from his neighbor’s rib-breaking attack on the ideological little weenie, which leave little doubt that Paul is a passive-aggressive prick of the worst kind:

In September, Paul piled limbs and trimmings from shrubs in a 5-foot-high and 10-foot-long pile near the property line between them. Boucher, who called the pile “unsightly,” after several weeks moved the debris into portable dumpsters and had them taken away.

In October, Paul reconstructed the pile. A few days later, Boucher again had them hauled away. Less than 10 days later, Paul again made another pile of limbs and leaves, again in the same spot. Boucher took his beef to the Rivergreen Homeowner’s Association, but it did not help.

On Nov. 2, Boucher hit some kind of limit with his patience. He poured gasoline on the pile of debris and set it on fire. The resulting fireball gave him second-degree burns on his arms, neck, and face.

The next day, Paul, possibly underestimating the depths of his neighbor’s rage, used his lawnmower to blow leaves from his property onto Boucher’s. Then he piled on the insults: “During this process, Rand Paul stepped away from his lawnmower, gathered several branches from an adjacent pile of trash, and placed them in the exact location where the last pile had been burned just one day prior.”

Boucher full-body tackled Paul. Boucher, according to his account, told Paul afterward that “he wanted this to stop.” Paul replied that Boucher would be getting a visit from the police.

This behavior is what conservatives like to call “principled.”

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  1. puck says:

    Like Reagan, Rand Paul likes to clear brush to relax on vacation.

  2. Alby says:

    You’re thinking of Bush, before he took up painting. My friend who lives in Texas claims he was part of a volunteer group that kept piling up brush for Bush to clear so he’d stay out of Washington.

  3. Arthur says:

    so was the pile on his property or his neighbors? If its on his own property and his neighbor paid to have them hauled away, great idea!!!

  4. Alby says:

    @Arthur: I think that was the problem. Most “libertarians” are actually just “tightwads,” so when Paul realized he had a sweet deal going he took too much advantage.

    My takeaway is that male primates are territorial.

  5. Alby says:

    Gives new meaning to “more than I ever wanted to know.” But thanks.

  6. MissAO says:

    Are you saying this guy who performs surgeries to restore sight pro bono on every recess of the Senate deserved to have five broken ribs and a bruised lung because he was a bad neighbor?

  7. RE Vanella says:


  8. Alby says:

    Nope. I’m saying he’s a dick.

  9. RE Vanella says:

    And, true fact, I’ve had my sight saved by an ophthalmologist on a few occasions.

    Bad neighbor though. That can’t stand.

    It’s in the constitution.

  10. RE Vanella says:

    Al and I disagree. It happens.

  11. Alby says:

    I guess it all depends on what “deserved” means. If we’re talking about karmic payback, then I suppose he “deserved” it or it wouldn’t have happened.

    As bad neighbors go, Rand sounds pretty mild. But where is all that brush coming from?

  12. Arthur says:

    So a guy leaving a pile of sticks is a bad neighbor and a guy who trespasses and is an atsonist is a good guy and great neighbor?

  13. RE Vanella says:

    Yeah, that’s the entire story. Sure.

  14. Jason330 says:

    I don’t get the Rand Paul defenders on this thread. You can be an over-privileged dick and an eye doctor at the same time. What universe do they live in where that isn’t possible?