The Onion Absolutely Nails Tom Carper

Filed in National by on February 27, 2018

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Just the other day, a young lobbyist for a major chemical company met with me to ask if I could push a dubious bill through the Senate Environment Committee. I thought, “What kind of asshole does this guy take me for? Does he really think I’d sacrifice my personal integrity just because he’s dangling a measly $30k in front of my face?” I almost had him thrown out of the building.

Luckily, I managed to remain calm, realizing that this idiot was new in town and hadn’t been shown the ropes yet. I explained that while I was grateful to his client for their continued financial support, it wasn’t fucking 2012 anymore. We’re in the 2018 midterms now, I have a new committee appointment, and my rates have gone up. It’s that simple.

Then I told him to never, ever honeydick me again unless he’s ready to do this the right way.

These are the principles I got into politics for, and I will continue abiding by them as long as I have the privilege of serving my country.

The Onion captured the essence of what it means to be Tom Carper like nothing I’ve ever seen.

About the Author ()

Jason330 is a deep cover double agent working for the GOP. Don't tell anybody.

Comments (12)

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  1. Arthur says:

    When he was governor he made it very clear that delaware was built on the 5 C’s – chemical, cars, credit cards and chickens

  2. Jim C says:

    the state motto I offered up twenty years ago, “Delaware, no wonder!”
    These DE congess-people will never be DEMOCRATS…

  3. nathan arizona says:

    Great Onion piece on Carper. It’s like they’ve been reading Delaware Liberal.

  4. Alby says:

    Jason, are you sure you didn’t write that?

  5. nathan arizona says:

    If he did, he should start getting paid for his work. On the other hand, why would the Onion care about Tom Carper? It’s a puzzlement.

  6. Alby says:

    The Onion cares because Sen. Crapper is so obviously for sale. Nice to see he’s gone from local laughingstock to national laughingstock.

  7. nathan arizona says:

    Yeah, I realize Carper fits the bill. I just thought they might use somebody better-known. But maybe Carper has risen (descended) to this level. Post-Biden, Delaware is the center of the political universe.

  8. Jason330 says:

    The Onion has a weird,ongoing fascination with Delaware. I’m not surprised Carper is on their radar.

  9. puck says:

    I don’t see Carper’s corruption as the traditional revolving-door venality. Sure he has become an unlikely millionaire, but that is due to his accumulated salary, plus a lifetime of fully expensed meals, transportation, and who knows what else, along with his relatively frugal habits.

    Of course his vote is for sale, but not for bags of money. Whenever I see a list of his campaign contributions, I am always struck by how small the amounts are.

    The thing is, when you buy a Delaware politician, it’s not about the money you give him, it’s about the money and support you DON’T give to his opponents. That’s what keeps Carper’s vote bought.

  10. RE Vanella says:

    I see what you’re saying. Carper hasn’t moved into big time lobbying or some pharma board, but this seems like serious dough. Several years he raised more than the Senate average.

    (h/t to our man at the beach, the mighty mouse)

  11. Alby says:

    Carper’s money came from his wife’s well-into-six-figures job at DuPont.

    Hiring wives is another nifty way of buying politicians.

  12. Bane says:

    Damn Alby!

    Also, “honeydick” is authentic 80s capital hill lingo .