Billy Graham’s Heart Being Weighed by Anubis About Now
Famous evangelist, Billy Graham’s is probably in the final leg of his arduous trip to paradise about now.
Having traveled in a solar bark, Graham has passed through the closer underworld, which is inhabited by serpents armed with long knives, fire-spitting dragons and reptiles with five ravenous heads. Upon arriving in the realm of the Duat (Land of the Gods), Graham had to pass through seven gates, reciting accurately a magic spell at each stop. No doubt successful, he then arrived at the Hall of Osiris, the place of judgement.
Here the gods of the dead performed the “weighing of the heart” ceremony to judge whether the Graham’s earthly deeds were virtuous. The weighing of the heart was, or course, overseen by the jackal-headed god Anubis, and the judgement was recorded by Thoth, the god of writing.
In the coming days Forty-two gods will listen to Graham’s confessions If he claims to be innocent of crimes against the divine and human social order. Graham’s heart will be placed on a scale, counterbalanced by a feather that represents Maat, the goddess of truth and justice. If the pastor to President’s heart is equal in weight to the feather, he will be justified and achieved immortality. If not, his heart will be devoured by the goddess Amemet.
Get ready to chow down Amemet!
lol.
I think he’s got a gig lined up working the bellows that blows superheated air over Richard Nixon’s balls.
“Pick up the receiver and I’ll make you a believer.” The more you gave the harder he prayed…
Good riddance to swindling scum.
To paraphrase Hitchens, if you gave him an enema you could bury him in a matchbox.
I’m picturing Hunter Thompson being the master of ceremony for the event broadcasted live from the Circus Circus in Vegas
I don’t have any particular animus for Billy Graham. (Although, what kind of adult (who isn’t a baseball manager) goes by Billy?) So here is a little background on this post.
I made it until the ripe old age of 52 before I heard a simple, yet devastating, critique of Pascale’s Wager. To wit: Pascal frames his wager as binary – when it isn’t binary. Pascal takes it as a given that the Christian God exists or doesn’t. If he doesn’t, then it makes sense to try and have faith because you’ve lost nothing by behaving as though he does. And if he does exist, you are covered. But Christian God existing or not existing are not the full range of possibilities.
What if God(s) exists, but they aren’t Christian? What if the Egyptians, or Greeks were right, and we are all going to be met by Zeus or Amemet? Then all the praying and evangelizing for the Christian Gods isn’t neutral, it is wrong. Zeus could be pissed off at all the cow sacrifices we never made, and all the wasted prayers to Jesus. Furthermore…if you are one of those evangelical Christians who thinks it is all about faith and not at all about works, they you are really screwed. Zeus or Amemet could be forgiving of those who were doctrinally wrong, but acted right, but they’d probably be toughest on people who acted like a-holes and were doctrinally wrong.
It is therefor better to not believe in any God that ties you to some human (flawed) interpretation of God, but it is better to simply not be a shit head. It is rewarding in its own right here and now – and it may allow you into paradise provided something like that exists (which it doesn’t).
I’ll give you another argument against monotheism:
Does our world look like the kind of place that has one being in control, or many beings fighting for control? I mean, the whole idea of supernatural beings is insane, but if you’re going to posit a supernatural level to existence, shouldn’t it at least explain what we see about us? If a single all-powerful God is responsible for this, then that being is a psychopathic bastard who gets off on suffering.
Of course, most so-called Christians aren’t monotheistic at all — they are Manichean, seeing Satan as equally powerful. They deny this is so — God is stronger, they insist — and then have to explain that God doesn’t destroy Satan because He wants Satan around to tempt us, to see if we’re worthy of salvation.
In other words, they’re worshiping a prick who’s not worthy of worship.
So there’s the real binary: If he’s all-powerful he’s a prick, and not worthy of worship. If he’s not all-powerful, he’s not God, and therefore not worthy of worship.
I think that covers it.
Christianity isn’t even monotheistic on its face. Jesus is God’s son but also God. Ooooooookay.
And Catholicism…? Forget about it.
Isn’t there a 3nd guy too? Caspar the ghost ?
No, Caspar is one of the Magi. The Holy Spirit (#220, I believe) has no form, but It is often depicted as a dove or tongues of fire, since you can’t just hand over a blank canvas and say, “It’s a portrait of the Holy Spirit!”
I’m so confused
I think I have to go to hell now just for reading this. Thanks a lot.
Completing the circle jerk, Graham will be the first religious leader whose body will lie in honor in the Capitol Rotunda.
May they all participate in a daisy chain in hell.
@alby I think that is the premise made by Neal DeGrasse Tyson. He asks, is God all good or is God all powerful, because rationally you cannot reconcile the two
Oh Jason, nice summary of Egyptian religious belief. Your former art teacher.