The Nest Is Empty And, Boy, Does It Feel Strange
I haven’t been blogging a lot because this spring and summer have been crazy. My youngest graduated high school, had her wisdom teeth removed, and attended orientation at the university she finally decided on. My oldest knocked off a summer course at UD (He’s starting his senior year of Mech Engineering and decided to take a required gen-ed Philosophy course over the summer mainly because he knew he wouldn’t give it the attention it needed given his course load this year. Sounded like a good philosophy to me!) Add to that all the shopping for my daughter’s dorm, ordering textbooks, finalizing class schedules, endless list making, packing up two kids, scheduling doctor’s appointments before both of them left the state, and fitting in a lot of family time and you’ll see why my blogging lagged.
I still read DL every day!
But this weekend everything came to a screeching halt. They left. In the blink of an eye I went from having a million things to do and a house full of people (and chaos!) to… silence. That freaked me out.
And even though they haven’t been gone long the impact is immediate and it’s kinda silly what I notice (besides missing their company!). Things like… not running the dishwasher twice a day. Preparing a meal without considering everyone’s preferences. Not organizing car usage. Grocery bills under 250.00. Not stepping over discarded shoes, clothes, backpacks, etc.. I’ve gone from considering the needs of four people to only thinking about two. Suddenly my time is my own and I have no idea what to do with it. I’m feeling a little lost, and if I’m honest… a little useless.
I started looking for a job several years ago and the only thing I’ve learned is that I’m pretty much not hire-able. I’ve been out of the workforce for 21 years. (Wow!) It’s just a little depressing to keep applying for jobs and not even getting a call back. It’s also a little scary to think that once I’m done cleaning and organizing the house (that will actually stay that way now that the kids are gone) I won’t have much to do. Mr. Pandora has a lot of “suggestions“. I do love that man!
Is this how retired people feel? I’m not old enough to retire, but it does feel like my job has ended. (I know that a parents’ job never ends, but this is the end of a stage.) A part of me finds myself questioning my decision to stay home with my kids. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being home with them and I couldn’t be prouder. Two kids in college, both engineering majors and both on scholarships is something I’m extremely proud of. And yes, I will take some credit for that. Not all, since my kids worked hard to get into their universities with enough scholarship money to graduate without loans and debt. But… I can’t help but wonder as I sit here typing this post if I, maybe, should have gone back to work when they started school? Altho, when I think of what I would have given up I can’t really bring myself to regret my decision. I’m a bit conflicted.
Going back to work when the kids start school isn’t that easy for a city resident. Since the state and school districts decided to create high poverty schools and pull out all desirable programs, city parents are forced to Choice. That means city residents are responsible for driving their kids to and from school. I don’t even know the luxury of a school bus. Everyday, depending on the grade, I had to drive and pick up my kids. And given the age difference of my children, drop off and pick up spanned a big chunk of time. I’m not sure how working parents accomplish dropping one kid off at 7:20 and another off at 8:20 and then picking one up at 2:15 and another up at 3:15. If your kids have a bus… lucky you. And, lucky me. As a stay-at-home mom I had the luxury of blocking out 3 hours of my day to drive my kids to school and pick them up and drive them home. That was my privilege.
Now I find myself with a lot of time on my hands. Mr. Pandora has already scheduled two trips for us in September and October. Have I mentioned I love that man! He also travels quite extensively for work – to really cool places. Hello, China! – and is thrilled that I’ll finally be able to hop onto these trips. I’m extremely lucky.
As I type this I wonder what the hell my problem is. I’m also wondering who I am, and what use I serve, without children at home. I think my plan is to start volunteering (I’ve always supported Planned Parenthood. I should start there) and even if that never turns into a paid position at least I’ll be doing something I believe in.
The chicks have flown. The nest is empty. And I’m a little lost. Who am I without children at home? A question I probably should have asked myself earlier, but, in my defense, I was really busy! 😉
Tags: Children, Featured, Women's Issues
Excellent article. I could assign you some writing projects! LOL.
You and Mrs. Jason330 need to have lunch and make some plans. You are both in the same spot with regard to feeling not hire-able. It isn’t true, of course, but that feeling is real. We guys need to get together, if you two are having these thoughts, then others are – so there is a business opportunity somewhere in all of this.
Count your blessings, I still have two not so young men I’m trying to launch. You’ll adjust quickly and learn to love it. As for employability take what ever you can and get your feet wet. I’ll be 60 in a few months, am semi retired and only work in music at this point. Hey! You could make it your mission to straighten out Delaware’s Democratic party! Perhaps too Herculean a task…….
“Good Parents give their children roots and wings.
Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away &
exercise what has been taught them.”
Jonas Salk
Thanks guys! Email me, Jason. I’ll get back to you after my nap. 😉
First, have no regrets about not having worked the last 20 years. The way the economy has been going, if you had a job 20 years ago, chances are you wouldn’t have it now, most likely through no fault of your own.
Next, take Bamboozer’s advice. Look for something you’d like to do, and take what you find that comes closest to it. Whatever you choose, it’s clear you’ve got the smarts to succeed.
Just go for it.
Yes, just go for it.
That’s what you did when you decided to focus on raising those fabulous kids and now you’ll decide to focus on the Next Big Thing.
Don’t feel like you have to figure it out right away. Think about what you would enjoy doing and then you’ll be better able to map out how to get there.
And don’t forget you have friends who will help with anything you need.
Yeah, my only baby just moved out when she turned 16 to live with her sister. It’s a bit painful, lonely and altered my vision of who I am but it’s given me much more leisure time and a much better relationship with my wife.
Thanks for post this Pan’. Sad as it may sound, to those who still have one and a long way to go, your piece made us see what was outside the tunnel, and thereby force us who are tired of the endless tunnel already, to enjoy those moments of tunnel left…
Pandora,
First and foremost, you have been working very hard over the last 20 years. Being a stay at home mom requires organizational skills and planning. You were a teacher, human resources, case management, direct patient care giver,etc… I could go on forever. Be proud of your accomplishments. It is very sad that “outside” employment do not recognize the skills of a stay at home mom- they are not much different than the skills I use every day as a mother who chose to maintain outside employment while raising her children.
With that said, please contact Amy or Melissa at Planned Parenthood of Delaware. We would be happy, not to mention be lucky, to have you as a volunteer. If you want direct contact #’s, you know how to get up with me. Also, there are various positions available, it can’t hurt to try.
You don’t need sympathy, you need dinner parties and lots of Proseco.
Hey, I’m a little blue. That said, parties and prosecco seem like a cure.
(Susan, I’ll give you a call!)
Empty Nest is no longer a valid term. You are contemplating retirement. Proseco or maybe even vodka is called for. That can be arranged. While we are at it lets rewrite your resume to accurately reflect your talents. For a progressive nation, its sad that we don’t acknowledge a stay at home moms accomplishments and public display of womens breasts are not widely accepted.
“Yeah, my only baby just moved out when she turned 16 to live with her sister”
“It’s given me much more leisure time”
That’s sarcasm…right? Sometimes these jokes go over my head.
“For a progressive nation, its sad that we don’t acknowledge a stay at home moms accomplishments and public display of womens breasts are not widely accepted.”
Umm, progressivism killed the “stay at home mom” thing, didn’t it? I will agree about “womens [sic] breasts” though. I’ve always said that you can never have too many topless women running around.
I think most of this goes over your head.
Progressivism did not kill the stay at home mom thing. Your vision of the “stay at home mom” is a 1950’s fantasy that didn’t apply to most families.
And working outside the home moms have just as much anxiety as stay at home moms.
When I retired and moved to Arizona and had 5 months off before I started teaching college, I went nuts….so I know how you feel about the lack of anything to do. I suppose you can always substitute teach at one of the local schools. Mrs. H just retired and moved out here and is in the same boat…..Although she is working on her PhD (In Psychology..the better to understand me:), she is feeling the same way…She’s looking into substitute teaching…just for something to do.
We’re lucky as the Phoenix area has so much to do….I had no idea that my wife liked live sporting events!! We’ve been to 9 baseball games this year, 6 WNBA games, a couple of hockey games, and 8 Arena Football games. Being semi-retired means I get to go to a John Scalzi book signing tomorrow night 🙂 so I think I’ve adjusted to not having anything to do 🙂
A John Scalzi book signing? I’m so jealous! My husband and I will always be grateful to you for turning us on to him! Thanks, Mark!
My nest became half-empty this week (or is that half-full???). Ugh, it is a bit painful. Proseco and vodka sounds like it might do the trick…
OH GEEZ–call me. Travel a little first. I didn’t need to. Now, I’m going to re-invent a wheel. And it’s going to keep me busy. And I’m excited.
Nice to get your summer update. Good to see DL.