My Thoughts On Beau Biden… And What Really Matters
I wasn’t going to write about this, but, today, Al Mascitti made me cry. He was so choked up as he spoke about Beau and his family. So many memories came flooding back. Painful memories, but memories I wouldn’t give up for the world. I’m also publishing this today due to the comments on the other thread. We’ve obviously “gone there” so let me add my insight.
It’s no secret I was in the “medical privacy” camp, but I sorta stayed out of those debates because I could (sorta) see the other side. It was a different conversation because, imo, it removed the humanity of the obvious situation, and while I didn’t understand that side (and I’m not really here to debate that, altho that will probably happen given the comments on the “memorial” thread) my lack of understanding probably had a lot to do with how many times I’ve been up close and personal to this type of situation.
Dying trumps everything. There are no politics, no career moves, no family squabbles, no test scores – These. Things. Do. Not. Matter. At. All. If they matter to you, then that is your luxury.
Here’s the truth: There are no rules, no shoulds, no have tos, in regards to a terminal illness. Just like there are no rules to grief. Death is a solitary experience. No one can tell you how to handle this. There isn’t a “correct” way of doing this. The dying person gets to set the rules.
I’ve written about my experience with my best friend in 2011. Allow me to pull a passage from this post.
When a person faces a terminal illness their perspective changes. Instead of focusing on being “cured” – which they accept isn’t an option – they focus on how much time they can buy. As a 47 year old, divorced mother of two teenage boys my friend was obsessed with buying time. I completely understood.
Time Mattered.
And yet, time was the one thing not discussed. Not by her, or me, or her doctor. It was the elephant in the room. All of us knew time was running out. None of us discussed it. Sometimes saying things out loud makes them more real… too real?
Announcing you are dying is not a simple or easy thing to do – and you get to decide who you share it with and when. If you think it is easy then you have probably not experienced death up close – especially the death of a young person with children. Saying this truth out loud is nearly impossible. It changes everything. It is admitting defeat. Every day is precious. Every day is a fight and a gift. Every day might be your last.
And telling your children, or having them have to face this reality through the constant chatter of talking heads (“Joe Biden went to Delaware. Is he visiting his dying son?”) or newspaper articles, is the hardest thing you will ever experience. Dying people don’t care about “your” concerns or issues – nor should they, because in the big scheme of things any concerns other than their children, spouse and family are things they have moved beyond. Your and our concerns are petty. Politics is a silly issue they have moved beyond. (and I love politics, but it goes out the window in this situation.)
And the one thing that really matters is control. Control over how you die – over how you live your last days or months or years. And once everyone “knows” (or your illness progresses) you lose control. You become your disease. So, I can completely understand why Beau Biden held onto control as long as possible. That was his right. And in the end, it was his only right and the only thing he could control. He didn’t “owe” anybody anything. Sorry, but he didn’t.
Ugh. I’m rereading this and I know I sound preachy. I don’t mean to. It’s just when his illness first came to light and his public appearances diminished… I knew. I just knew. I had traveled this path before. It was so heartbreakingly familiar. Talk of politics in regards to his situation made me queasy. It just didn’t matter. There were more important things on the table. And no one – no one – gets to prioritize that for him.
I am not saying questions about politics didn’t matter (Okay, I sorta am). What I’m saying, as someone who has experienced impending deaths of loved ones, is that all this stuff simply doesn’t matter to those facing their own deaths. And the real reason it didn’t matter was because that issue would tragically resolve itself on its own – as it did. I knew that – and dreaded it. Those facing this prognosis know that. The only people a dying person should be concerned about is themselves and their loved ones. Everyone else, and what they think they should know, doesn’t matter. No one has a right to trump a dying person’s wishes on how they leave this world.
Yes, this is deeply personal to me. Call me out all you want, you won’t sway me. I have lived this too many times. And… when it comes to the political landscape and what would happen, anyone who claims they didn’t really know are probably too stupid (too harsh? probably.) to hold office, or else they should thank whatever god they pray to that this situation has never touched their life. Because that’s really the only reason for not understanding what was really going on. Sorry, but it is.
Rest in peace, Beau. You didn’t owe anyone but your family a damned thing.
Tags: Beau Biden, Death, Featured
Yes.
I’ve lived through this more times than I want to. And requiring a dying person to perform for you is neither compassionate or necessary. One of the things that everyone mentions when they’ve been remembering Beau is just how down to earth he was. Managing his illness his own way, paying attention to his family and letting the clamor for a performance keep clamoring seems quite in line with that.
Rest in peace, Beau.
As I said in the Memorial thread, and I did not intend that thread to turn into a political discussion (Liberal Elite started it! LOL), but reasonable decent people are going to disagree with one another on this one because we do have two legitimate concerns colliding: the right to privacy versus the public’s right to know. And to our horror, the whole political discussion is moot now and hopefully we won’t have to deal with such a situation again.
That said, I completely understand and appreciate everything you have written here, Pandora. And I hated to be the one demanding disclosure, because if Beau was terminally ill, he shouldn’t be dealing with any criticism.
It is a god-damn Catch-22. And the arguments are all circular.
If I had known Beau had brain cancer, or any other terminal condition, would I have been leveling criticism at him or his spokespeople for the lack of disclosure?
Of course not.
But that’s the point. I, we, didn’t know.
But what is past is past.
And one more thing, I don’t blame Beau for not disclosing. I don’t think less of him. I don’t think he was dishonest. Those were all his choices, and I do respect that. All I ever said during all of this was that if he ran for Governor without ever disclosing his medical condition and prognosis, I would have a problem voting for him. Indeed, if he had never said that he was running for Governor, I don’t think I would have ever brought up his medical condition again.
I think that dying people need hope (actually I KNOW that they do). There have been studies on this. Basically, Beau finished his term as AG – probably a huge accomplishment for him and one I don’t begrudge – and then went on to spend his final days with his family – without the hoopla.
Here’s the truth: If he had announced his condition it would have been news. He was the VP’s son. There was no escaping that media circus.
And if we wonder if politics matter… actually we don’t have to since this young man, father, spouse, son and brother can no longer answer that question. But we can. It just doesn’t matter.
Seriously, other than his family he didn’t owe any of us a damn thing.
The White House has offered a memorial page for Beau Biden where you can offer a tribute or send a message to the Biden family.
https://m.whitehouse.gov/webform/memory-beau-biden
Pandora, you put that so beautifully. I’ve been emotional all weekend and this pushed me past the tipping point. I’m not going to argue with anyone about what Beau should have done and I don’t know what I would do in his situation. I know that recent exchanges on here have made me step back and question what I put my energy into. I hope that towards the end Beau found some peace in knowing he put his energies in the right place.
Hand-written notes can be mailed them to the Bidens at the White House, according to the vice president’s office. The address, with a Zip code specific to the Bidens, is:
The White House
Vice President Biden and Dr. Jill Biden
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20501
No information on funeral services yet.
Thanks, AQC. I have lived this situation too many times. Beau owed us nothing. Nothing. If you think he did… I have no words.
I stand with Pandora. I salute Beau. Enough said. And this time it’s the Delaware Way at it’s finest.
As someone who served as a caregiver to my young spouse as he struggled with a terminal illness (and had *all* of the emotions, desires, and wishes that you articulated here), this post perfectly sums up my feelings as I read those debates about disclosure. Thank you for this, Pandora.
If this turned out to be terminal, as it did, allowing Beau as much control over the situation, including information, would have been of paramount importance. If this was not terminal, we would have found out in due course what had happened to him had a full campaign for governor commenced. I hope this post helps people who couldn’t trust that the person struggling with the illness knew what they needed to do for themselves and society now see that a bit more patience and understanding was appropriate through all of this.
Rest in peace, Beau.
thanks for this. It opened my eyes and changed my thinking.
Wonderfully said, Sarah.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Sarah.
So, check out this video interview of Beau Biden two years ago for the Jewish Family Services organization. He talks about family coming first and being a father is the most important thing in his life.
https://vimeo.com/51013813
Feelings came slowly to the surface over these last days for me. Today was pretty rough. This post is rough too and important.
Here’s the Mascitti show Pandora references. http://wdel.com/features/0601beautribute.mp3
I know several Moyeds and knew Johnny only through his siblings and friends. Now listening to this is rough.
Amen! We knew, but didn’t want to “really know”, and if our suspicions were validated how would that have helped Beau and his family? Or, the masses of people who cared and loved Beau and his family.
I completely agree with you Delaware Dem. I was already down on Saturday cause it was the two-year anniversary of my own mother’s death. As the day went on, I made my annual peace with “the day”. And then I read about Beau, who I really didn’t know too much about aside from his stint as AG (not from Delaware originally). But the outpouring of emotion just overwhelmed me, again that day.
I’ll never forget, the day before my mom died, she asked my father and I “Am I going to die today?” She knew. At 3am the next morning, she was gone. I just pray Beau’s family was with him at the end…
I’m just so sad. I only met Beau Biden a couple of times, but he was the real deal.
Well said Pandora, and a nice contrast to the ridiculous bloviating of Cris Barrish in TNJ, who has clearly decided to make this all about him. It’s not that I think we should canonize people once they have died; it’s just that continuing to whine that Beau didn’t make himself constantly available for interviews and that he kept his medical condition a secret seems so petty now. If Beau had recovered and run for governor, no doubt he would (and should) have faced questions about lack of disclosure and disappearing from the public eye and how his illness and how he chose to handle it impacted the work of the AG’s office. But he didn’t and a number of those points are now moot.
Beau “owed us nothing,” but the man who would be governor had some obligations to the people. He had every right to try to keep his medical privacy, and we had every right to publicly ask why. And that’s the way it should be.
On a practical and political level, as the son of the VP, the Biden family and advisors no doubt wanted to avoid a morbid prolonged national media death watch, and I’m glad for that. Now our pictures and memories of Beau are of a handsome and vigorous man, with his character unscarred by political battles.
He probably should have bowed out of the governor’s race. But in hindsight, there is still plenty of time left for other candidates. Stepping out of the race would have been a concession to the disease. Families of those with serious illness are capable of what seems like unreasonable denial, but which is probably emotionally necessary on some level. There is always hope of a regression of the illness even until the final stages.
Beau was dealt a bad card, and to stay in the governor’s race was drawing to an inside straight. Delaware insiders were happy to play along until the next hand was dealt. For another candidate to announce for governor would have been placing a bet against Beau’s health.
Beau was a political cipher to me, but as a man he was admirable by all accounts. As another son of Delaware, I never met Beau, but I wish I had.
An excellent summary of the entire situation, Puck. Thanks.
So I guess we’re just going to keep saying he was a candidate when he never made an official announcement and a campaign never began. Did I miss all that bit?
Pandora – I agree with you 100% and thank you for this post
I was always in the camp that said “until and unless he is a candidate (which in my mind means and actual filing) leave him and the health speculation alone”
Wasn’t a popular opinion but I don’t care much for what is popular.
Things always have a way of playing out in time – and as I get older I have learned to lean back a bit and let the NEED to control or steer the outcome go.
I always respected and admired Beau, he was kind and affable and deeply committed to protecting children and victims. He was always willing to listen if you needed him to and we have lost one of the best.
Chuid eile i síocháin – he would have liked that……
November at home wont be the same anymore….
“So I guess we’re just going to keep saying he was a candidate when he never made an official announcement and a campaign never began. Did I miss all that bit?”
So I guess the one year-plus that he was sick while in office doesn’t count. I guess his campaign finance fund’s healthy total doesn’t count. And I guess Jeb Bush isn’t a candidate either, because he hasn’t declared. C’mon.
@Aoine: This is not about controlling the outcome. This is about the level of transparency public officials owe the public.
@Geezer – I know you are familiar with the two concepts of
Actus reus and mens rea
Until our society knows what is in the minds of people – we can only look at their actions
I don’t care how often someone says- I’m a candidate – until they pay the fee I don’t see why anyone would give them the breath. Or the time
Unless of course one has nothing else to do except ruminate like a pundit- coz that’s what pundits do- ruminate
Someone of us simply find it more relevant when the candidate actually files – and then works like a candidate .
It’s a media driven world -where perception is reality – I like my real when it’s real- not when its theory
Simply a separate point of view – there are those that like to live in the world
Of possibilities ….. I simply don’t have time for that – it’s all STROM AND DURNG ….
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