A Festivus Miracle: The Airing of Grievances, by Donviti.

Hi

I got a lot of freaking grievances and I’m not going to lie (even though I hate that expression), this is going to be as wildly incoherent as Honey Boo Boo’s fame or how John Atkins (D?, R?, U/E?) was able to get elected multiple times in slower lower. But, these are the times we live in, train wrecks get a voice, and now I give you mine. Choo-fucking-choo bitches.

This list is in no particular order and I will attempt to keep it relevant to 2014.

1. That I (we) may never know how John Atkins’ feels about a drunken Ray Rice beating his wife.

3. I was taken out of my father’s will this year after I called him a racist. I blame Obama for this, he has done nothing but divide this country since taking office. He has so clearly shined the light on racists, bigots and ignorant people that when relatives tell me in passing conversation we should just “lock em all up”, “give them all birth control”, “not let those animals breed,” I get upset. I liked it better when I didn’t know that was racism. Thanks Obama.

9. Conservatives with incomes less than $50,000 that vote Republican- You’re idiots. You’re a taker, you most likely don’t pay any taxes and your job will be gone to India if Republicans and fraud Democrats like Carney, Coons and Castle keep doing the bidding of the corporations putting them in office.

10. Retirees voting for Republicans that dream to eliminate my Social Security – Fuck you. I don’t care that you think it’s a Ponzi scheme. I honestly don’t give a shit if you think it won’t be solvent in 20 years. You’re going to die in 10, hopefully, so stop electing fraud, selfish, heartless, com-passionless conservatives.

5. The media – one of the great things about the media now-a-days is how the media can report about what “the media” does, says, or doesn’t say/do about XYZ, WHEN THEY ARE THE FUCKING MEDIA. Who can watch Brian Williams at 6:30 every night say, “And tonight the media is reporting that Obama…” YOU ARE THE FUCKING MEDIA BRIAN!!!! (Side note, I watch the media, and Brian Williams, because if I didn’t, I couldn’t yell at him)

6. Black people – What do you people want to be called? African Americans? Negros? Blacks? Them? City kids? Urbans? I just don’t know anymore. I blame you for making me confused on what to call you at a party or what to tell my son when I’m asking him what’s that kids name he’s playing soccer with that’s really fast.

Donviti: “What’s that kids name that’s on your team?
Son: “Which kid father?”
Donviti: “The kid that is about your height but has kinky hair?”

IT’S AWKWARD GOD DAMNIT, can I say black kid? African American? He’s not from Africa, his dad is from Liberia, wait that’s Africa. You know what I mean!

7. Kia owner’s – god damn this may be stereotyping, but what the hell is wrong with you people (I don’t mean blacks when I say you people (not like you come to DL anyway) though you do seem to disproportionately own a lot of kia’s…anyway). It’s a shitty minivan, stop driving it 90 mph on I-95 and riding my Mercedes Benz ass idiot!

9. Fast Food Workers – I’m so tired of you idiots striking. Unionize for God’s sake. Seriously. Do it, or go back to work and flip burgers, don’t over salt my fries, and keep your dicks out of my McShake.

10. Matt Denn – why did you step back and become the Del DOT Treasurer? Or whatever meaningless role you accepted so not to upset the Delaware Way. Hey great, I saw you at Wawa once and you remembered me. Wow…Now I’ll always vote for you because you seem neat and regular. Thanks…thanks for being just like all the other suck ups to whatever powers at be running this fucking state, because it’s obvious you sucked up to someone and said you wouldn’t attempt to ascend to Governor and would rather take a backseat to whoever is next in line to make love to corporate Delaware and keep taxes low so we have shitty schools and inflate real estate values.

17. ATM’s – It’s a terrible acronym to access my money and I can’t ever stop thinking about the porn industry term actually associated with it (my gift to you).

12. Victoria Secret – you send my daughters free underwear coupons.

6. Collosus of Rhodey – God you’re a jackhole…still, how have you not keeled over from a heart attack with all that resentment and anger, I’ll never know. Fingers crossed though. I recently tried to read a Colossus of Rhodes book and because your blog is so god awful, up to and including it’s horrible design, I couldn’t get through it. You and the book are both from another world and are no longer relevant. How your weblog’s name and the “contents” in it are similar to a dystopian themed 1960s series of book is as much as a puzzle to me as the color scheme.

49. Kevin Hart – you’re a midget black man (African American?) that yells stuff. GET OFF MY TV. I assume Bernie Mack feels the same way about me. That guy had talent.

50. Kate Upton’s Breasts in that commercial where she is riding a horse across a battlefield– My son (6) literally looked up from his tablet yesterday and stared at those things bouncing up and down, those cascading waves of tenderness, rolling and smashing into one another into an easily 7 inches of exposed, voluptuous, deliciousness of cleavage. Over and over and over again they undulate, in concert with each stride of that horse, up and down, ripples of soft, fluffy flesh, bounding in, and out, galloping towards me…jesus

51. Hope Solo – I thought you were hot until I saw some of those pictures on the internet of your parts. Good lord that was just awful looking at that thing. Who did you let do that to you and why. God why? (call me some time)

And last but not least my final grievance is you people – (I’ve stood up now and am typing this with my chair kicked out from under me, and for effect I’ve also flipped over my dining room table, spilling my spaghetti dinner)

You people that think the guy serving you your food is the problem. The person putting your milk in the fridge at 3am in Giant, and making sure you have your favorite canned yams for the holidays, is the reason this country is the way it is. That the person that can’t speak English (and you assume isn’t an American Citizen) and left his country with nothing but a dream to do better and be better for his family and self, is the one degrading our society. That black people are the racists and if they would just do what they are told, conform, not loot, not have babies, stay in school, etc etc., they wouldn’t have all the problems they do. That Obama foments and divides this nation by race. That any and everyone else in this country, but you and the idiots in your rotary club that think bombing a bunch of Muslims with unmanned aircraft makes us safe and spending money on roads, bridges, schools, and on the citizens of this country is a waste, are the problem. That 47% of the country truly is not paying taxes is the problem, and then when we tell you 47% of the country are veterans with legs blown off from an illegal war, your grandmother in Shade Tree Homes in Milford, the non verbal autistic kids that can’t speak, the adults with down syndrome that are incapable of going to the bathroom unaided, the children with crippling disease and their parents that can’t hold a full time job because they have to live at a hospital for years on end hoping that the next surgery their kid has is the last one he’ll ever need and can lead a semi normal life. And that the health insurance they can now afford is the problem and ruining this nation, then I got news for you, you are the problem. Your selfishness, your myopia, your uncaring hypocritical excuse that children deserve the lot they live in because of their parents ills and that by punishing children it will make this country better and the people neglecting them will suddenly see the error of their ways. You, you are the problem if you think killing others is the answer, locking people up is the answer and not caring about the people that need to be cared for the most.

That’s my list of Grievances with you people

Happy Festivus.