DNC fundraising emails I’d love to Get

Filed in National by on November 12, 2014

Jason330,

We screwed up. But here is the good news – starting today we aren’t taking any money from banks or financial services industries. None. Nothing. We now realize that working to protect the profits of banks doesn’t serve the interest of the working class Americans who have always been the backbone of the party. So from now on, the DNC will turn away all money from banks so that we can get back to being the party that looks out for the little guy.

That will put us in a fundraising bind, so we will need to depend on people like you to help get the message out. You are the Democratic Party’s biggest asset. Thanks for considering a donation to help return the Democratic Party to its core values.

Sincerely,

Joe Biden

Subject: It’s Urgent!

Jason,
We heard you. On this election day we heard the deafening silence in response to our strategy of “moving to the middle” on issues like spoiling our environment by fracking and backing down on whether or not climate change is real. We understand that there is no middle ground between multi-billion dollar corporate lobbying efforts and scientific reality.

So I wanted to let you know that we will no longer be taking money from hugely profitable fossil fuel companies and contorting our message to accommodate the very industries that are not only responsible for increasing carbon pollution, but are also polluting our public discourse. Can you help us get the word out? Donate today to help turn the tide against the fossil fuel industry and their dimwitted lackeys in the GOP.

Sincerly,

Debbie Waserman Schultz

Subject: Let’s Roll!

Jason,
The Democratic Party supports organized labor. Period.

No more wishy-washy bullshit and no more policies that help companies offshore our good manufacturing jobs. NAFTA? Fuck NAFTA. That was a huge mistake that we intend to correct. We are all done with helping anti-American plutocrats drain money out of of local economy.

If you are a teacher, a first responder, welder, electrician, truck driver or a janitor – make no mistake, the Democratic Party is in your corner from now on.

Sincerely,

Hilary Clinton

About the Author ()

Jason330 is a deep cover double agent working for the GOP. Don't tell anybody.

Comments (6)

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  1. Andy says:

    First thing the DNC needs to replace Debbie Wasserman Shultz. She needs to be replaced with someone with the vision to convince Democratic office holders and candidates to act like Democrats. We need the same locally. Until then the Democratic party will be in trouble

  2. mediawatch says:

    FROM THE DESK OF JOHN DANIELLO

    Subject: Two-Party System in Delaware

    Dear Jason,
    During the recent campaign, I really got tired of listening to the Republicans complain that Delaware’s problem is that its politics are controlled by one party.
    I hate to admit it but Charlie Copeland, who really doesn’t want to be the Republican party chair, is absolutely right on this point.
    I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I’ve concluded that the reason we’ve developed a one-party system in this state is because so many of our Democratic elected officials have quietly incorporated Republican core values into their personal political DNA. I mean, when I listen to Tom Carper and John Carney and Jack Markell, sometimes I think I’m hearing Mike Castle.
    So I’ve decided to break political tradition and do the right thing. I have decided to register as a Republican and, with the blessing of Charlie Copeland, take over as chair of the Delaware Republican Party. In addition, I am taking Gov. Markell, Rep. Carney and Sen. Carper with me, and I will encourage all the other DINOs who have been keeping the Democratic Party from embracing true progressive values to follow us as well.
    From here on, when Rep. Carney and Sen. Carper speak of bipartisanship, it will mean that they are willing to work with members of the Democratic party.
    I believe my decision is being taken in the best interest of the Democratic Party and will help restore a true two-party system in the First State.
    All the best,
    John

  3. Jason330 says:

    “…when Rep. Carney and Sen. Carper speak of bipartisanship, it will mean that they are willing to work with members of the Democratic party.”

    Its funny because it is true.

  4. mediawatch says:

    Only reason Coons isn’t moving over is, despite his fondness for Marco Rubio, the GOP still is suspicious of bearded Marxists.

  5. painesme says:

    The DNC hasn’t accepted money from federal lobbyists in what, 6 years now?

  6. Jason330 says:

    So when can we expect the DNC to stop working for them?