Picking the Super Bowl winner using my never fail “which Mascot would win in a fight method”

Filed in National by on February 3, 2013

I’m 100% picking Super Bowl winners over the past five years. Here is a recap:

XLIII February 1, 2009 Steelers v Cardinals Or, a steelworker vs non-raptor birds. No contest. Cardinals fans should be prepared to never win a Super Bowl unless realignment has them facing off against the Browns one day.

XLIV February 7, 2010 Saints v Colts People think Saints are good natured, but a great many were genuine bad asses. Think St Sebastian, who is the patron saint of tailors because the Romans had to load up his body with 50 arrows to get him to die. (Thereby giving him the appearance of a pin cushion… get it? Okay, I don’t assign patron saints to things. ) Also, a Colt is a baby horse. So, a baby anything v a full grown anything is a prohibitive underdog.

XLV February 6, 2011, Packers v Steelers This was a tough one but Packers are used to sawing live cows in half with bandsaws, and casually emptying blood out of their boots while grabbing a smoke at break-time. Living with that kind of gore day in and day out affects the mind.

XLVI February 5, 2012 Giants v Patriots The Tea Party has doomed the Patriots. They will not see another Lombardi trophy until the ashes from the tea party are scattered and people go back to thinking of patriots as patriotic heros – not as unhinged weirdos. Plus Giants are giant and virtually unbeatable vs normal sized humans.

Which brings us to this year.

Ravens v 49ers – 49ers are crusty kooks, who are dangerous because they have a wild card mentality as a result of living outside of normal society and flaunting our bourgeois conventions. Like the conventions against wearing the same underwear for three years or not having sex with your donkey.

The Ravens, meanwhile, are not only the smartest bird – but the smartest animal in the animal kingdom, scoring consistently near 1800 on the SAT test. What they lack in talons, they make up for with cunning. They are creative thinkers and problem solvers (which normally would be useless in a Super Bowl) but this year because of the matchup against the unpredictable 49ers – it is going to be a crucial strength.

Ravens win.

About the Author ()

Jason330 is a deep cover double agent working for the GOP. Don't tell anybody.

Comments (3)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. AQC says:

    I’m not sure about your methods here but I like the outcome. Go Ravens!!

  2. jason330 says:

    The logic unassailable , and THE RESULTS are unambiguous.

  3. Jason330 says:

    Reasoning that a holding penalty would not be called late in the game by this laissez-faire officiating crew, the Ravens used their superior intellect to ‘Kobayashi Maru’ their way to the championship just as I predicted.

    To all the gamblers who want to base their bets on the science of mascot match-ups- you’re welcome.

Switch to our mobile site