A Die Hard Christmas – An Open Source Christmas Musical for People who are a little tired of ‘The Nutcracker’ and ‘A Christmas Carol’

Filed in National by on November 18, 2012

Act 1, Scene 1: “This Christmas will be different”
Shoppers excitedly bustle on the sidewalk in front of Nakatomi Towers in Midtown Manhattan. Enter John McClane. [Song – “This Christmas is going to be different – with a bang not a whimper” John McClane & Chorus. The song includes backstory on the troubled relationship between McCalne and his wife, Holly Gennaro-McClane, and how John McClane wants to use the goodwill of the season to romance his estranged wife back into the sack.] The crowds slowly part and McClane is left under a single follow spot. McClane reveals his motivations. He is withdrawn and depressed because he thinks he has lost the ability to come up with new catchphases. [Song: “I Got Nothing (For Christmas).”] Only by learning the true meaning of Christmas can he regain his catchphrase mojo. To do that he must defeat the greed and commercialism of Christmas, McClane exits into the building.

Act 1, Scene 2: “What kind of Terrorist Are You?”
Inside the gaily decorated offices of Nakatomi Towers a Christmas Party is underway. Hans Gruber and Joseph Takagi mingle in separate circles while John McClaine can be seen on a riser above stage left preparing to join the party. [Song: “I’m a Grinch wrapped in a Scrooge” Gruber reveals his plot to steal the Christmas bonuses from Nakatomi, kill a bunch of people, and thereby ruin Christmas.]

Gruber and Takagi bump into each other and Gruber produces a gun. [Song – “What kind of Terrorist Are You?” a duet between Gruber and Takagi which includes the lyric “Don’t be a cowboy”] After shooting Takagi, Gruber addresses the party directly. Meanwhile McClaine surprises Gruber’s henchman, Marco, kills him, and dumps the body over a banister onto the dance floor. Gruber’s henchman 2 takes a note out of Marco’s mouth, “What does it say?” asks Gruber. “”Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

Act 2, Scene 1: “Greed can still save Christmas! No it can’t”
Inside the offices of Nakatomi Towers two hours have past since the murder of Takagi and the killing of Marco. Gruber is trying to get the safe opened but is being distracted by McClane periodically killing his henchmen and attaching insulting notes to their bodies while mocking Gruber over Marco’s wlakie talkie. Meanwhile Harry Ellis, is talking with Holly Gennaro-McClane. [Song – “Greed can still save Christmas!” Harry Ellis and Holly Gennero-McClane duet/argument.] Ellis approaches Gruber. Ellis speaks to McClane on the walkie talkie. [ “Greed can still save Christmas!” Reprise Trio; Gruber, Ellis, and McClane.] Gruber shoots Ellis.


That’s all I’ve got so far. If someone wants to write the songs and help me finish it up and pitch it to who ever is handling the earthly affairs of the deceased Roderick Thorp, I’m all ears.

About the Author ()

Jason330 is a deep cover double agent working for the GOP. Don't tell anybody.

Comments (10)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. puck says:

    Part of the backstory: McClane is withdrawn and depressed because he thinks he has lost the ability to come up with new catchphases. Song: “I Got Nothing (For Christmas).”

    Only by learning the true meaning of Christmas can he regain his catchphrase mojo. To do that he must defeat the greed and commercialism of Christmas, incidentally destroying every major department store in Manhattan. Song: “It’s A War On Christmas, and War Is Hell.”

    Now I just need the winning catchphrase.

  2. jason330 says:

    That’s great stuff. But I think Gruber needs to embody the the greed and commercialism of Christmas. Taking this outisde of the towers runs the risk of turning it into a Spiderman.

  3. puck says:

    How about: “Down the chimney, sucker!”

    I can think of several different tower scenarios of increasing destructiveness where that phrase would be appropriate. Given modern sensibilities though, the tower has to remain standing, which might be a dealbreaker for a Die Hard show.

    Maybe the story could toy with the idea the tower would fall, and then have it triumphantly standing in the end.

  4. jason330 says:

    All of McClane’s attempts at catch phrases can be written on notes and pinned to dead henchman after dead henchman.

    ”Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker” has to come near the end as McClane triumphantly gets his catch phrase mojo back and saves Christmas.

  5. puck says:

    I don’t think McClane lingers over his kills long enough to pin a note or do anything besides utter the catchphrase, then rush off to save the girl or stop the terrorist plot, while clutching his shoulder which has received yet another non-fatal wound that mysteriously gets better as the action continues. Besides there is usually not much left to pin anything on.

  6. puck says:

    After a protracted fight in which McClane finally succeeds in pushing his foe into the trash compactor and throwing the ON switch: “Have yourself a merry little Christmas.”

  7. puck says:

    Towers, meh. I think the action has to take place entirely at the Macy’s 34th Street store. It will become a beloved family classic.

    Have you ever seen Macy’s Santa Land, or at least heard the David Sedaris story? There are seven or so Santas, each in individual cottages cleverly laid out so each kid in line only sees one. But in this version, one of the Santas is a terrorist. Of course, McClane doesn’t know which one.

    At some point McClane’s survival will depend on convincingly taking the place of an animated figure in the street-level window.

    And when the bad guy points a ridiculously oversized bazooka at McClane, there is only one thing he can say: “Don’t play with that – you’ll shoot your eye out.” Which is then exactly what happens.

    One of the bad guys will be taken out by a swinging paint can, in a cameo by McCauley Culkin.

  8. jason330 says:

    Yes to “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid” and “have yourself a Merry ‘little’ Christmas.” No to Macy’s though, because you lose Takagi as the jolly Fezziwig type embodiment of all that is wholesome and good about Christmas.

  9. John Young says:

    Sruprisingly, Die Hard is almost never polled as “What’s your favorite Christmas movie?”

    Clearly, it is an all time classic.

  10. Jason330 says:

    That could change overnight if I could find someone with he chops to write this song: “I’m a Grinch wrapped in a Scrooge”