No One Wants To Marry Mr. Electable

Throughout this political season, the only thing Mitt Romney hasn’t flip-flopped on is his reason for his getting the nomination:  Electability.

Yawn.

He is the guy that proposes to a woman and cites being a good provider as the main reason she should marry him.  He then adds that he’s dependable and quickly points out how passion is over-rated and not a good foundation for a marriage.  Now, all of this may be true, depending on who Mr. Electable is proposing, but for most people it just doesn’t cut it.

Mitt is the guy you bring home who causes your mother’s brow to crease in uncertainty and your father’s jaw to tense.  He looks good on paper, but in person he comes across slick and insincere.  He’s the guy who pretends he thought your mother was your sister… because, you know, he was told that women eat that stuff up.

And if his performance doesn’t go over well he’s genuinely confused and becomes petulant.  Not that Mr. Electable would ever look in the mirror and ponder what he did wrong.  Oh no, self awareness is not his curse.  Instead he’ll blame everyone else.  His intended can’t recognize a good catch, therefore she didn’t deserve his awesomeness.  Her father didn’t like him because he couldn’t stand the idea of his son-in-law being more successful.

So Mr. Electable goes on his merry way, confident in the thought that the problem is them, not him.

But Mitt Romney can’t go on his merry way.  He has to win the girl.  And while his intended may value his being a dependable, good provider she also wants passion.  Mr. Electable is in big trouble, because he doesn’t “do” passion.

Now, if he had other positive traits, Mr. Electable would be in a better position, but he doesn’t.  If he was kind, instead of arrogant.  If he was compassionate, instead of sneering.  If he was funny, instead of pompous.  If he was confident, instead of whiny. But Mr. Electable brings none of these things to the table.  All he brings is… You aren’t going to get better than me – so deal with it.

And that is what Mitt Romney keeps trying to sell to the voters.  And his spiel holds all the passion of an arranged marriage.  The Republican establishment set up the match, and, like parents who believe they’re acting in their daughter’s best interest, are shocked to discover the prospective bride climbing out her bedroom window and down the ladder into the arms of passionate bad boy who is more likely to burn down the house they purchase than live in it… happily ever after.