Cellphones, Texting And Kids
There’s a debate going on in the Pandora household – Is it time to let the kids have cellphones, and if we let them have cellphones should we let them text?
First, is everyone sitting down? Okay, here it is. I do not have a cellphone. Now, everyone take a deep breath and I’ll explain. There really isn’t a specific reason for my not having a cell phone. I just never bought one. And while there have been times having a cellphone would have been handy, those situations were never drastic enough to make me take action. Also, as a stay-at-home mom my time during the day is spent, well, mostly at home. Go on, you can laugh now. (FTR, Mr. Pandora has a work cellphone.)
But now the issue has come up in relation to my 15 and 12 year old – mainly my 12 year old daughter since my 15 year old could care less about talking on a phone or texting.
Everybody still with me, or are you still stuck on the fact that I’m a mutant?
I have several concerns about kids with cellphones. First, imo, kids should only have cellphones for their parent’s convenience. What that means is if kids aren’t answering their parent’s calls then the cellphone should be taken away. It’s a privilege, and should be treated the same way as the keys to the car. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been with parents who are beside themselves because they can’t reach their kids on a device they primarily bought to be able to reach their kids. Another little wrinkle that I’ve witnessed – many times – is how often kids have called their parents to tell them where they are only for the parents to discover that their kids were lying. Yeah, I know this has been going on well before technology, but there’s no denying that cellphones have made the “I’ll tell my parents I’m going to the library, and then meet you at the party” ploy a lot easier. I even know one parent who went so far as to track their child’s whereabouts via a GPS program on their cellphone . Not sure how I feel about that, but I’m leaning towards if you’ve reached the point where you’re tracking your child whereabouts through GPS, perhaps you should consider grounding them.
My second concern is the drama, fighting and bullying taking place through the technology. And while I may have trouble getting my son to talk, I can’t shut my daughter up. I’m really not complaining about this, she is a fount of information, most of it harmless, but some of it quite disturbing. This is the way it seems to go: Person A has a problem (real or imagined) with person B. Begin texting. Person A then recruits others to their side and they join the texting war. Sometimes person B forms their own posse, but sometimes not.
I realize that these sort of arguments have always taken place, but what concerns me is how they are now taking place silently. Two kids yelling horrible things at one and other attracts attention. Saying the same vicious things through texting remains under the radar, and many of these attacks are fueled by kids unknown to the victim. In many ways texting has become the bully’s new playground.
I witnessed this tactic this past summer. Two 13 year old girls had an argument. The texting began, only one of the girls put together a network of support that swamped the other girl. And what started out as an argument over something stupid, and typically childish, ended with explicitly sexual name calling and rumors which quickly spilled onto FaceBook. When the adults finally got wind of what was going on one little girl was already devastated. And while this may be likened to nasty messages written on the bathroom wall, the shear volume of the attack isn’t so easily scrubbed away.
Another little cellphone “game” that disturbs me is the “let’s take an embarrassing picture of someone and post it everywhere.” Again, most of these pictures are harmless and silly, but some are not.
So, I have a dilemma. In many ways joining the modern world would make my life easier. In others, I would have to take on more work by keeping a vigilant tab on what’s going on in the silent world of finger tapping. A part of me knows this is inevitable, and a part of me resents the technology that makes the secretive world of teenagers more secretive.
So… any thoughts, ideas… or recommendations for which cellphone plan I should consider? Or are you still shaking your head and saying, “Pandora doesn’t own a cell phone? How is that possible?”
Tags: Children, technology
I gave up my cell about 4 years ago. Love not having it and when i tell people i dont have one the usual reaction is ‘man, i wish i didnt have one, but i need to have it…’ and i always say, you dont need it.
they do have those kid cell phones can can only call like 5-10 programmed numbers. you could try one of those for your kids.
I feel like you should give her one, but discuss with her what you just laid out here. Unfortunately situations like that (passive agressive or flat out agressive technologial bitchery) I don’t think you can protect her from, unless you also restrict her internet usage (remember that myspace bullying case?) I had problem with an AIM away message bully in college (FB started like my freshman year). Yeah college.
Mean girls will ALWAYS exist. In every clique. In every age group. Maybe just use it as a teachable moment?
Give in on the cell phones and make sure you get unlimited text plan.
The only caveat being, texting is just like the computer at home — there is no privacy. As a parent you can access the cell phone at any time.
Oops, another thing, if someone texts your child something inappropriate, they need to tell you right away.
Yes, I agree V, technology is just another way to do what kids would do anyway. I’m with nemski, give her the phone, with caveats.
Well, both my older kids have cell-phones, the younger ones use the ‘extra’ when they need it. We’ve had nothing of the cyber bullying, because those aren’t the circles we roll in. Likewise, all computer access is directly under my supervision, except at school. Most of the out of town things they go to prohibit cell use now, so that isn’t an issue.
The problem has been data, though, particularly with eldest. They don’t necessarily realize downloading games isn’t always free, getting new ringtones isn’t, and talking to your friends on AIM REALLY isn’t. And it’s difficult to put good parental filters on a lot of phones, which creates its own set of challenges. About every 7 months there’s an out break of data use and a phone issue with that one. However, my access is more important than the size issue it has been.
One way to test the waters is to get phones and hand them out from time to time. In our house the phones have names, so you might find yourself sing a different one, depending on the day. That’s a good deterrent to sexting, lol.
Also, all phones sleep in the kitchen. The radiation is bad for them and staying up late a temptation. 😉
Yes, give the cell phone. Get the unlimited texting plan. It is exactly like it was when you were in school, but instead of passing notes in class (or in my case passing slates) the notes are sent via text messages. Some will be hurtful, some will be helpful, but the slings and arrows will come whether she has a cell or not.
And I still can’t believe that you don’t have a cell phone. Does your home phone have a rotary dial or do you have to crank the handle to get an operator to complete your call?
I realize we’re headed for cellphones, but I still don’t like the underground behavior and the ease of attack. Guess it’s the human disconnect we need to address, and we bloggers are quite familiar with bad cyber behavior – which is why I’ve always thought bloggers, when possible, should meet. Adding a face to a name usually tones down the name calling.
The teen texting bullying allows a great number of the participates to remain nameless and faceless – unless it ends in tragedy. Everyone in the attacking teen’s network is employed, whether they know the victim or not. This adds a dimension that extends far beyond a neighborhood or school fight. And by introducing people who don’t know, and will never know, the victim the attacks tend to escalate quickly.
I don’t have an answer to this problem, and I’m not advocating banning cellphones. Guess, I’m preaching awareness.
I have someone place my calls for me, LG. I thought you knew that.
We’ve had nothing of the cyber bullying, because those aren’t the circles we roll in.
Brooke, this statement confuses me. The cyber circle is huge, and I’m not certain how one is certain they don’t roll in them. Which actually is my point. I’m trying to adjust to this new dynamic, and I really don’t think the “not my kid” defense is very realistic.
Two other things with that benefit the parent with the cell phones:
1. We recently had a “no electronics” grounding for 3 days. It was agony for the boy.
2. When he starts going out wiht his friends, I have already told him that his phone needs to be fully charged before he goes out. (He has a slight issue with not charging his phone.) This way when he is out, if we want to reach him, we can and vis-versa. There will come a day when he wants to go out and his phone is not charged, and there he will sit at home all broken hearted.
My 14 year old has 52 contacts, many of whom are her relatives, doctors and pizza places. I know them all. When my kids are texting, I say “Who are you talking to?” because it’s as if an invisible person is in the room. Often, then, I check, and I might say “Hello, it’s … mom. Get back to geometry! 😉 )
I don’t know if you’d consider that the “not my kid” defense.
Pandora, I agree with the above comments – get the cellphones, with caveats.
I can’t believe I am going to add this, but I am. While you may be able to take some gentle ribbing from LG about being a Luddite, your kids experience peer pressure more tangibly. You are worried about cyber bullying, but there is good old fashioned bullying to be had if a teenager is the odd one out with no phone.
You know, this advice is far better, and a lot cheaper, than therapy! 😉
“and a lot cheaper, than therapy”
you haven’t received our bill yet 🙂
All three of mine have cell phones, mainly because we wanted to be able to reach them when necessary. Like many teens, they aren’t home all that much, particularly on weekends.
They are aware of the rules, one of which is that my wife and I have the right to read their text messages at any time with no notice. Had to remind them that the house is not a democracy, and there is no right to privacy. No web access on the phone (we’re on a budget), but unlimited texting is a must.
As others have said, you need to emphasize that everything they text to and receive from others is potentially public and very traceable. So if they’re going to trash a teacher, there’s a good chance the teacher will know the next morning.
And the threat of taking away their phones (and ipods and internet access) is an awesome tool to possess.
Hey Mom, one last thing. Let your daughter pick out the phone. A keyboard (not a dial pad) is a must.
Also talk to your neighbors about reception of various plans. You should have good service from any of the major plans, but it’s good to get some first hand knowledge.
For instance, my parents live in Hockessin and have quite shitty reception on Verizon where they live. Though Verizon could be stronger than ATT elsewhere.
Down in Central DE Verizon seems to have better coverage, but I remember many dead spots Verizon had when I worked in Delaware City
It’s quite interesting and a little amusing to see today’s parents here struggling with the same issues we did when our two daughters were teens about 25 years ago. Of course it wasn’t cell phones then, but the peer interactions were identical in nature, using our antique communication capabilities back then when basic PC’s cost $3K and the internet wasn’t yet a vocabulary word. But then, there was the telephone, controlling the use of which was the challenge, along with inappropriate TV shows, parties and sleepovers. Somehow we managed, and luck (or whatever) have it, both turned out just fine.
I don’t have any additional insight or suggestions to offer, as there is plenty of great advice here. I will say, to a teen, the right to privacy is a critical issue. We handled that by telling them as long as they obeyed the rules, their privacy would be honored, as a matter of trust, but we reserved the right to investigate if necessary. It never became necessary.
The parent-child relationship, if maintained on a daily basis with loving care and attention, as appears to be the case with you, Pandora, will be the overriding factor in maintaining the security that you seek for your children. Then if a threat arises, they will tell you. Well, it looks like I had to offer my two cents after all!
So, in my view, it would be a mistake to deprive your daughter of a cell phone. My Dad deprived me of a driver’s license until age 21, the only one in my class (of 93) without one; it took a long time for me to get over it!
Give in on the cell-phone issue – for your convenience but also because I’d rather have my kid text then have him use the home phone all day for making calls. Additionally, it does come in handy for getting his chores done. He has to put the phone on the dining room table until his chores are done.
The GPS feature is handy of you are worried about anything happening to the kids, we don’t have it. But I like being able to tell him I am home late, or him being able to ask me if he can go to a friend’s house after school. If I get someplace late to pick him up, I can call him now too. As for the texting – there comes a point where you have to trust that you instilled good values in your kids and that hey do not hot chat via text – though, I do check every now and then and tell him that too. We also talked a lot about what is appropriate and what not – I’d rather teach him how to use it then him going out and buying one behind my back when he has money.
I have less problems with the text phone then with the question if I should allow him at 15 to have a My Space page or not (which he did start behind my back).
No problem, if you decide the answer is yes to having it, then the second is yes. I would start them with a prepaid to test it.
Funny that you mention it. I got my daughter a prepaid phone, Straight Talk has a 1,000 texts. 1,000 minutes deal for $30 a month.
It’s a great way to manage costs. It’s also on the Verizon network so the coverage is quite solid.
As a prepaid phone, there are no bills, contracts or surprises. Very nice.