The Conservative Male Animal Is A Dodo Bird
A book written for men by a man who has no clue about women.
h/t Pandagon
Dear Fellow Conservative:
Today’s weak and pusillanimous Nanny State is anything but hospitable to true manhood.
And that’s why we need real men more than ever.
But our society today offers no clear rite of passage for young men. Instead, every male must learn how to be a man as best he can—after all, such knowledge isn’t written in our genetic codes.
That’s why Frank Miniter’s The Ultimate Man’s Survival Guide is a Godsend! It gives young men what they need to become not effete “metrosexuals” skilled at the ins and outs of high fashion and cocktail chat, but well-rounded men who can fight off bears and alligators, create a tourniquet out of a t-shirt, set a dislocated joint, rescue a drowning person—and pick the perfect cigar and bottle of wine.
Presented in six sections—survivor, provider, athlete, hero, gentleman, and philosopher — The Ultimate Man’s Survival Guide teaches men that any guy can be the “ultimate man” whether he is rescuing a lost hiker, plucking a child from a swift stream, or standing up against injustice.
Now, for a limited time, HUMAN EVENTS is making The Ultimate Man’s Survival Guide available to you absolutely FREE.
CLICK HERE to learn more—and to get your FREE hardcover copy of Frank Miniter’s The Ultimate Man’s Survival Guidetoday.
Sincerely,
Thomas S. Winter
Editor in Chief, HUMAN EVENTS
Fight off bears and alligators? Is this what’s left of the Conservative male? Honestly, this is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read. Geez, it’s like one of those cheesy ads for male cologne – Release your inner James Bond.
Roll cameras…
An unbelievable handsome, buff man (who bears no resemblance to the balding, middle-age man reclining in the Lazy Boy watching the ad with a copy of The Ultimate Man’s Survival Guide resting on his beer belly) is perched on a cliff in the middle of dense forest. He looks down at his Rolex and by the expression on his, oh so, rugged face we can tell he’s late. He springs to his feet and races through the foliage, leaping over fallen trees and rocks with the speed and skill of an Olympic athlete. As he turns a bend he skids to a halt, coming face to face with a giant grizzly bear. The man sighs and checks his watch again. It’s apparent he doesn’t have time for this. The bear lunges. The man releases a primal scream and throws a punch. The bear staggers and falls over. Leaping over the unconscious bear the man continues his journey until he comes to a river. He hears a cry for help. Steely blue eyes scan the bank until he spies a skinny man, wearing an Obama ’08 tee shirt, writhing in pain (and crying like a sissy-boy) on the other side of the river. Without a thought for his own safety the man dives into the icy water only to break the surface with an alligator in his grasp. Man and beast wrestle until the man frees his belt, wraps it around the alligator’s snout and rides the animal to the other side. Once there he knocks the alligator out cold, assesses the wimpy man’s medical condition and simultaneously rips off his shirt, ties a tourniquet around the girly-man’s bleeding leg while dialing 911.
Fast forward… Image of man stepping out of waterfall and splashing on cologne as he winks at camera. Moments later we watch as our he-man, now clad in Armani, enters an upscale restaurant, snaps his fingers at the maitre de before joining a gorgeous woman with an over-sized pout on her face. The man smiles, rejects the bottle of wine and cigar being offered by the hovering waiter while schooling the lad in the art of wine and cigars. The waiter beams under a real man’s tutelage, decides to drop out of Harvard and join a survivalist camp. Meanwhile, the woman’s bottom lip almost hits the table.
“You’re late,” she accuses.
“Sorry, babe,” he murmurs, a secret gleam in his eye. “Rough day at the office. It’s a jungle out there.”
Woman purrs.
Fade to black… (okay, maybe we can add a few fireworks for implied sex.)
Books like these are nothing more than male romance novels. Meaning they are complete and utter fantasy (besides completely missing the point of what a real man is – just like they miss the point of what is a real American). The true difference between these manly books and romance novels is that the men who write them and read them expect to be taken seriously.
Bwhahahahahaha!
Tags: Satire (sorta)
If he is looking for a real man, he has only to look to the White House to find one…
It’s been 8 years since we’ve had one in Washington.
Wwwwhat?
They want me to be more like Eric Cantor?
Where’s the chapter about opening a beer bottle with your teeth?
The target audience is the same group of delusional folks who wished they were in the classroom, packing heat, when the Va Tech killer walked in.
The goal of these fantasies is not to save their fellow man, but so they could play the hero and FINALLY get the girl.
They dream of these scenarios constantly!
The goal of these fantasies is not to save their fellow man, but so they could play the hero and FINALLY get the girl.
LOL. Or the boy in the bathroom stall.
The disconnect from reality is frightening.
Conservatives spend a lot of time pining for what never was. I often wondered about the conservative obsession with “manhood.” Remember how much George W. Bush in his flightsuit turned them on?
Thanks for ruining my lunch UI.
How can you satirize anything that reads so much like satire?
‘Bulo would KILL to be able to write something that snarky, yet it’s not meant as snark.
Is it?
Come on, ‘Bulo. Haven’t you ever fought off a bear or a ‘gator… at least a charging bull?
Scary thought: What sort of women marry these armchair warriors? And, what must their lives be like?
I do wonder about women who buy into the macho myth. They are probably the same people who believe “men are from Mars, women are from Venus.”
Sorry, Pandora. ‘Bulo does all his ‘hunting and gathering’ at Trader Joe’s.
Luvz me some Trader’s Chipolte Salsa!
Ha. I was just in a bookstore having my afternoon latte when I came across this book. I randomly opened a page and read their recommedations for a Survival Kit. Items one and two ate: cell phone and GPS device — not compass, knife or waterproof matches.
A cell phone and a GPS to call the sheriff’s office to come rescue you when you get in trouble. If they’re lucky, they’ll get a female rescuer! Would they refuse rescue from a woman?
Pandora, you have given me the perfect story for the next time I’m late. Sweet.
VC # 4 is spot on. From the publisher’s blurb.
Heroism: it can be premeditated, and prepared for both morally and mentally
Also…
How a real man can simplify complex situations into comprehensible rules that allow him to act quickly for justice
Actually my man can do almost all of the things in this book. These are not unrealistic expectations or a “macho myth” and I feel sorry for the women who don’t have a man like this. No offense to Obama but have u seen the photos of him on the beach? I’d take my man over that any day!