Fatal Attraction – Republican Style
Rule #1 when having an affair is to never let the wife find out about the mistress. Silly, because it rarely works out that way – especially if your mistress is a crazy person intent on destroying your marriage. That said, shame on you for juggling love interests, and shame on you for whispering sweet, contradictory lies in each one’s ear, confident that the two would never meet… and compare notes.
Wondering how this relates to the Republican Party? Let’s take a look…
Moderate Republicans are the wives of the party. They were not only reliable votes, they were also trotted out to demonstrate a respectable, steady relationship that deserved recognition. Sorta like… He can’t be all bad, look at who he’s married to. They were also taken for granted and ignored. Moderates became the ultimate trophy wives – decorative and useful when needed, placed on a shelf and told to be quiet when not.
The Far Right are the party’s mistresses. For years they were wooed and pacified with promises that one day their love would leave his wife and marry them. During this time they came to view the wives as the enemy, the sole reason why their lover wasn’t free to be with them. Whatever sympathy they may have felt for the unsuspecting wife vanished, replaced by an absolute certainty that the wife was to blame for their lover’s broken promises, that she was responsible for holding him back. Read: He can never be what he was meant to be as long as he’s saddled with her.
Think I’m off the mark? Then watch the video DV posted last night. Chris Matthews asks Rep. Mike Pence (R) if he believes in evolution. Pence can’t answer the question. Not because he doesn’t have a response, but because he knows that both his moderate “wife” and conservative “mistress” are watching, each waiting for what they consider the right answer.
But the biggest problem for the Republican Party is the fact that the wife has found out about the mistress and is threatening to walk. He’s now beside himself, facing the loss of credibility and respectability he has taken for granted. He’s desperate for things to return to the way they were before. So not happening. For you see, the mistress is thrilled with this turn of events. She’s anxious to take her rightful place at his side, and won’t lose a moments sleep over kicking the wife out the door.
Yes, I did have fun writing this. And, all snark aside, I think this accurately sums up the situation facing the GOP. Whatever choice they make someone will be left feeling betrayed. Right now, they’re desperately trying to make both sides happy. (Like that’s gonna work.) The it’s her or me time has arrived – as was inevitable. In the short term, buckle up for a lot more Spence type non-answers. In the long term… my money’s on the mistress, because even if she doesn’t hold onto him, in the end she’ll make damn sure that if she can’t have him, no one will.
Tags: Republican Party
Very spot on metaphor.
Wingnut Comment Preemption: Yes. We know John Edwards cheated on his wife.
Ah, the sexist stereotype of the cheating husband. Why not a cheating wife and her lover? You write like a girl 🙂
Re the GOP: It is like a nasty divorce where they can’t afford to sell the house so wife, husband, and mistress are all living under the same roof… None of them wants to move out and live in a tiny apartment, so on they go.
Love this!
Moderate Republicans are now the wife sitting stricken like a deer in the headlights while the husband admits to an affair.
I give moderate Republicans the same advice I would give the shocked prop wife:
Divorce him, you can do better. You’re better off alone if you’re not in a healthy relationship.
Further wingnut preemption: Bill Clinton got a BJ
Anon, I consider the sexist stereotype, but, alas, since there’s really no male equivalent for the term mistress… Forgive me. 🙂
Re the GOP: It is like a nasty divorce where they can’t afford to sell the house so wife, husband, and mistress are all living under the same roof… None of them wants to move out and live in a tiny apartment, so on they go.
The Rudy Guiliani Story!
Details are different — Gracie Mansion isn’t a tiny apartment — but I think that Rudy would be really proud to have his life story as a metaphor for this party.
Ever feel like your metaphor is…not so fresh?
lol…
there’s really no male equivalent for the term mistress
Yes there is, it is Cabana Boy. Watch The Night of the Iguana for more information.
aaa nemski, you beat me to it, i was gonna say “pool boy”
pandora GREAT post. .. does this mean the republicans are going to kill the wingnuts in a bathtub?
Perhaps the most famous pool boy is Ben Braddock.
Hey – in this analogy, is the economy a rabbit, by chance?
LOL!
A good post that sums up the situation nicely.
Very well done, Pandora.
I don’t see it that way. I see the conservatives and moderates as couple.
Anyway it is good to see someone can use word pictures and analogies skillfully. It was a good piece of writing.
I wonder what that makes the blue dogs, liberals, and the Democrat(ic) Party.
The blue dogs are the ones checking out the moderate Republicans thinking that “they have a way to cheer them up”
I cherish compliments from, Kavips!
And, David, if moderates and conservatives are a couple it’s one hell of an abusive relationship!
Did Monica Lewinsky approve this article?
Was Henry Cisneros consulted?
You, Mike, are the Glenn Close character. Only an idiot would miss the point of this post and focus on sex. Let me put it terms you can understand… the GOP ain’t gettin’ any!
Pandora, I think that makes him the rabbit in the boiling water.
“Let me put it terms you can understand… the GOP ain’t gettin’ any!”
And I say, let’s keep it that way.
Pandora: This piece is right on target. And the award for the best follow-up line goes to Pandora–for thinking right out of the box!
Thank you.
Thanks, Jen!
Mike P. you left out Vetter and Foley
And let us not forget Senator Larry Craig King of the men’s room