Why A Certain Man Doesn’t Get Laid As Much As He Thinks He Should

Filed in National by on December 31, 2008

The eternal question now has an answer.  Go on, read Prager’s stellar insight into why women, and women alone, hold the power of a happy marriage… and are subsequently at fault when the marriage fails.

Prager gives us 8 reasons – which he promptly discards as nonsense before instructing women to lie back and think of England.

Let’s review them, shall we…

1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons — female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested — there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.

Ladies, are you paying attention?  It’s our fault. Hell, it’s our nature!  What happened to the sex kitten he married?  God knows, he hasn’t changed his behavior towards sex.  

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.

What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can — indeed, ought to — refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?

Where to begin?  Should we start with woman must overcome their moods?  Because, we all know, that the reason a woman may not want to have sex has nothing to do with her partner’s behavior or mood.  Or, should we focus on Prager’s comparison of not going to work to not having sex.  And while certain acts can be called jobs, most women aren’t prostitutes.  At this point I’m beginning to understand why Prager felt the need to write this article – He’s not getting any, and after reading this tripe we all know why.

3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than one’s feelings, became decisive: “No shoulds, no oughts.” In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never “should” have it. But marriage and life are filled with “shoulds.”

It’s those damn Baby Boomer’s fault!  I don’t even know where to begin with the “should” vs “want” argument.  To me, sex is best when both partners want it, but, then again, I’m a woman so reason escapes me.

4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her “property.” Of course, the very fact that she can always say “no” — and that this “no” must be honored — renders the “property” argument absurd. A woman is not “property” when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations — as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods — are likely to be the best marriages.

Did Prager just dismiss “No, means no?”  He’s dancing pretty close to justifying marital rape.  And what’s with the slur against educated women?  Granted, an educated woman would never consent to having sex with a Neanderthal like Prager.  Also, notice his use of the word owes followed by his dismissal of the term property.  Oh yeah, there’s absurdity here.

5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance — because women’s feelings are of more importance than men’s. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed — she is in the mood for sex and he is not — our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.

Utter nonsense.  Is all this word vomit really just a ploy for sympathy?  I’ve been married for seventeen years, and during that time we have experienced all the normal ebbs and flows in a relationship.  The point, and one Prager completely misses, is that there are two people in a relationship.  If there’s trouble in the bedroom my guess is that there’s trouble outside it.  And this is what Prager doesn’t get.  In Prager’s world foreplay begins and ends in the bedroom.  How’s that working for him?

6. Yet another outgrowth of ’60s thinking is the notion that it is “hypocritical” or wrong in some other way to act contrary to one’s feelings. One should always act, post-’60s theory teaches, consistent with one’s feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child’s or parent’s or friend’s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with one’s husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isn’t the payoff — a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home — worth it?

Wow!  Putting out equals a brand new man?  Look, I’m not denying that sex can improve a man’s mood.  It can improve a woman’s mood too.  And that’s what’s missing from Prager’s rant – the woman.  Honestly, this guy would be just as satisfied with a blow-up doll.  I also love the way Prager transforms sex – the ultimate want to – into ultimate have to.  Funny, but I really don’t want to add sex with my husband to my list of chores.  Hmmm… let’s see, pick up the kids’ prescription from Happy Harry’s, get the oil changed in the car, screw hubby, attend PTA meeting.  Check!

7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is “dehumanizing” and “mechanical.” Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks — and she has every reason to seek it — it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.

Deep breath.  Yet again Prager puts forth the Sex will turn your man into Prince Charming argument.  And isn’t Prager guilty of exactly what he’s accusing women of?  Using sex as a bargaining chip.  

8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine one’s behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape one’s feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.

So… faking orgasms is now a good thing?  Relationships based on fake emotions are the key to happiness?  And, it’s the woman’s duty to fake it while catering to her partner’s real needs.  Geez, the only thing I agree with in this article is that Prager needs to get laid.  Maybe if he was having sex he’d have less time at the keyboard.  

The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, “Had I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.” 

That solution is for a wife who loves her husband — if she doesn’t love him, mood is not the problem — to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.

If her husband is a decent man — if he is not, nothing written here applies — a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.

OMFG!  I am speechless.  Did you read that, Ladies?  If your relationship didn’t work out it’s your fault.  Had you only “put out” more he would have never left you for that other woman.  He has needs.  Your needs?  Geez, haven’t you been paying attention?  Your needs don’t count because they’re not really needs – they’re moods.  And rational women will overcome their moods in order to create the perfect man.  I need a drink.

Frankly, I think this article reveals a lot more about Prager than anything else.  What a loser.  No wonder he’s not having sex.  

Now, I’m not denying that – in most cases – men want to have sex more than women and that this can lead to problems.  Biology has a lot to with this, but that’s a topic for another day.  My problem with Prager is that he places all the responsibility for a happy, successful relationship solely on the woman.  It’s like he’s written a blueprint for grounds for divorce – a blueprint that absolves the man with the boys will be boys excuse.  

Is sex vital to a relationship.  Of course.  But, what happens to a relationship if one partner gets exactly what they want while the other partner fakes it?  A rational man would be wise to consider this scenario lest he’s left scratching his head saying, “I don’t know why she left me?  Our sex life was great.”

About the Author ()

A stay-at-home mom with an obsession for National politics.

Comments (40)

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  1. squirrelgun says:

    Give it a rest, DV.

    You’re a five-inch phony at best.

    Your dick is so boring, your balls fall asleep.

  2. nemski says:

    A few things:

    1. Pandora, what are you doing on the internet? You should be preparing for your party tonight. You’re husband is slipping.

    2. I think I might become a Republican.

    3. This could be why Republican politicians go trolling for male prostitutes in public restrooms.

    That’s all I got. 😉

    His piece would be funny if he and so many others weren’t so serious. No joke here, but is this just prepping us for the inevitable, a man must have sex even if the woman doesn’t want to — you know, rape?

  3. arthur says:

    thats why i divorced my first wife. she refused to give me rim jobs so out the door she went. luckily her sister was smarter (and a better tongue)

  4. Von Cracker says:

    Damn, Squirrel! Cock on the mind much?

    And what did you expect from a water-carrier of the Daddy Party, huh?

    “Daddy’s got his ham-hands ready little darling!”

    fucking creepy.

  5. squirrelgun says:

    wow. the only thing more retarded than your comment is your name!

  6. anon says:

    I guess it is OK for one partner to have an untreated sexual dysfunction (low libido) as long as both agree it’s OK.

    Just like some people consider it OK to be fat, as long as you are comfortable with it.

  7. Von Cracker says:

    A child’s mind in an adult’s body is a little more apropos of your “description”. Excellent job at providing an example for us all and here’s a lollipop!

    What’s next, cooties?

  8. Truth Teller says:

    As I look over some of the responses here it appears that this has turned into a porn site next you folks will be asking for our credit card account’s

    HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

  9. pandora says:

    Squirrelgun does have a creepy obsession with DV’s package. He comments on it quite often… one might say too often.

  10. squirrelgun says:

    what can i say?

    I’m intrigued by LITTLE details.

  11. nemski says:

    squirrlegun, stay off DV’s package or I’ll start deleting your comments.

  12. pandora says:

    You know… there’s actually a discussion to be had on this post. Prager’s an idiot, mostly for offering only one side of the argument while placing all the blame on women. If he’d had a brain he could have made the point that men and women both have a role in a successful sexual relationship. He could have pointed out the differences between the sexes and how they could work to everyone’s advantage. But he didn’t. In fact, all he did was announce to the world that he’s not getting any.

  13. nemski says:

    Pandora wrote, You know… there’s actually a discussion to be had on this post.

    Well, you did put up a post about sex on a blog that is inhabited by 7th graders. 😉

    Isn’t Prager’s viewpoint on sex from The Promise Keepers?

  14. Joanne Christian says:

    Why are you guys beating up the guy named “squirrelgun”? If it’s about nuts, his comment is worthy.

  15. Joanne Christian says:

    In keeping with the spirit of your post Pandora, don’t give up….give in!

  16. Lee Ann says:

    They’re all just trying to get a rise out of you!

    (Sorry.)

  17. pandora says:

    Okay… too funny. Such clever women. But, you do realize that this article will rise to the heights of that idiotic book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” Just you wait…

  18. Lee Ann says:

    3, 2, 1 . . . . Where’s the “Uranus” comment?

  19. nemski says:

    It is nice to see the women being a sophomoric as the men. Now, if we can just get you to have sex with us. 😉

  20. Lee Ann says:

    Don’t worry, Pandora, I was properly outraged the first time I read it. But then The Boys weighed in.

  21. pandora says:

    That’s just it… I am worried. I lived through the fad of a man’s “inner child” and the talking stick guru. Yuk! 😉

  22. John Feroce says:

    “3. This could be why Republican politicians go trolling for male prostitutes in public restrooms.”

    Don’t blame Craig, he was out of options, once Barney Frank’s place (aka DC Male Escort Service) was shut down.

    For those with a short memory:
    In 1990, the House voted to reprimand Frank when it was revealed that Steve Gobie, a male escort whom Frank had befriended after hiring him through a personal advertisement, claimed to have conducted an escort service from Frank’s apartment when he was not at home.

  23. Geezer says:

    Yeah, John, we know. We’re just not as fascinated by it as you “manly” Republicans are.

    Not that you’ll understand this, given your own problems in this area, but the issue for liberals is the hypocrisy — voting against gay rights while trolling for gay sex.

  24. John Feroce says:

    I actually found it ironic that Craig was the one who led the charge against Frank; Karma’s a bitch.

    Speaking of which Al, the rest of your garbage is getting old, I hope you have a better new year and get back to being a nice guy.

  25. pandora says:

    So true, Geezer. Republicans live, and die, by the sword of their own choosing.

  26. John Feroce says:

    Sorry Pandora to turn this post into serious commenting…geesh I was just busting balls.

  27. pandora says:

    Busting balls? Will it ever end! 😉

  28. John Feroce says:

    Ha! My friend’s dad said it best when he gave us the following advice – “All women bust your balls, you job is to find the one that busts them the least.”

  29. Unstable Isotope says:

    Are you surprised to hear that Prager is divorced…twice? I’ll bet you’re not!

    It looks like Prager’s view of marriage is sex delivery for men. I’m not clear what women get out this arrangement in his mind. Does he even realize that women are sexual beings as well?

    This part is really funny:

    If her husband is a decent man — if he is not, nothing written here applies — a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.

    Gee, I’ll bet this perfect wife in his mind is so happy that a man MAY decide to think of her needs during sex.

    Prager has some really outdated and absolutely wrong ideas about marriage. The truth is that men benefit more from marriage than women. Married men live longer than single/divorced men, but married women have no added benefit. Married men are also paid more, while married women are generally paid less than single women (childcare obligations play a big part). Also, divorce is more often than not initiated by the woman and not the man. I read somewhere else that feminists have a lower divorce rate (it could have something to do with the partnership).

  30. Geezer says:

    Wow. I just read the Prager piece. What a disgusting piece of crap.

    First of all, where TF does he get off? This guy has not a single credential to be giving anybody any marital advice — never a hurdle to conservatives, to be sure, but still…the hubris involved here is mind-boggling.

    Second, he makes his actual agenda crystal clear — he’s still fighting against the ’60s, and like most male conservatives, he’s blaming the sexual revolution for his sexual inadequacies.

    Shorter Prager: Whatever happened to the days when my wife had to put out whether she wanted to or not?

  31. Unstable Isotope says:

    Way to summarize Geezer.

  32. kavips says:

    Actually, judging from his picture… if Prager wasn’t so ugly, he could get more…

    Yuck.

  33. Unstable Isotope says:

    kavips,

    Prager is ugly on the inside no matter his outward appearance.

  34. xstryker says:

    Pandora, you win the internet. “…and think of England” jumped into my mind also. This guy is grade-A creepy. No wonder he’s twice divorced.

  35. Dorian Gray says:

    I looked at this the other way round. Any woman who would subscribe to the Prager school is a woman I don’t want to fuck anyway.

  36. anon says:

    A wife who stops having sex should never be pressured to have it. That is why God created mistresses.

  37. arthur says:

    anon, i agree…especially having mistress plural.

  38. Von Cracker says:

    Hey! Can we get back to DV’s package or lack there of….? 😛